


Cloud Nine

by JustLikeTomo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Bartender Louis, Break Up, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Famous Harry, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Jealous Louis, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Model Harry, Mutual Pining, Non-Famous Louis, Partying, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-02 08:01:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13313925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustLikeTomo/pseuds/JustLikeTomo
Summary: Louis knew what he was getting into when Harry’s modelling career took off. He knew Harry would be travelling, would be expected to go on luxurious trips with luxurious, very important people, and that Louis would have to stay in London to run his bar. What he doesn't expect is everything else that comes with it and how badly it will effect his boyfriend and their relationship. If there's one thing Louis is sure of though, it's this: they will always make it through.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely based on Niall Horan's album Flicker, but with my own spin on it. It will be 13 chapters in total, just like there are 13 songs on the album.
> 
> Depression, drug addictions, and alcoholism are all a part of this fic, so please be careful of that.
> 
> This fic in no way reflects on the real individuals it is based on.

“Louis! Louis!”

Louis looks up from where he’s pouring out a girl’s cocktail, squinting in the darkness of the bar, and then he grins so widely his face hurts. There, pushing and shoving against the crowd, is Harry Styles: boyfriend, model and GQ’s hottest man of the year. Louis almost squeals in excitement, biting down on his bottom lip as he forces himself to finish serving the girl and her friends. The moment they’ve waddled off in their heels, Louis tells Zayn to cover for him and he finds his way from behind the bar. He practically launches himself into Harry’s arms, giggling when Harry picks him up and spins him around. He takes hold of Harry’s face in between his hands and presses quick kisses all over his face.

“What are you doing here?” he asks between pecks. “You’re supposed to be in New York for another week.”

“Couldn’t wait any longer,” Harry says before yanking on the hair at the nape of Louis’ neck so that he can get to his throat, sucking and nipping harshly at the sensitive skin there. Louis can’t help but moan.

It’s been a month this time – one whole month of not seeing each other except through a screen. Louis has missed his boy like crazy. He knew what he was getting into when Harry’s career took off. He knew Harry would be travelling, would be expected to go on luxurious trips with luxurious, very important people, and that Louis would have to stay in London to run his bar. It’s not always easy and Louis worries about Harry a lot, but they make it work. It’s been five years now and Louis has never regretted being with Harry. He’s his boy, his _baby._ No matter what, they will always make it work. Louis is sure of that.

They’d met in a bar just down the street from this one. Harry had only been eighteen at the time: young and lost and alone. London is wonderful and lively and fun, but when you’re only eighteen and being rejected left and right by modeling agencies, it’s a whole different experience. Twenty year-old Louis had been instantly infatuated with him. He was so pretty and soft and lovely, frowning down at his drink and pouting his plump, pink lips. He’d sat beside him and made it his mission to make him smile, to make him laugh so hard he was snorting his pretty pink cocktail out of his nose. Harry had stared at him in wonder, seemingly just as infatuated with Louis as Louis was with him. They’d stayed there all night, neither moving, and at the end of the night they’d kissed outside on the pavement, not stopping even after it’d started raining.

It had only been a couple of weeks later that Harry was snatched up by an agency. It had only been a small one and Harry had only been doing ads, but he’d been so happy and Louis had been happy for him. Neither of them had expected the way his career would take off; that within a year he’d be walking the catwalk at the Fashion Week in New York, London, Milan, and Paris; that he’d be on billboards and in the top fashion magazines; that he’d become a household name; that the media would hunt him like wolves. They’d experienced his rise to fame together as a couple; despite the fact the media and the world were oblivious to their relationship. They had decided early on that they wanted to keep their private lives as private as possible, and Louis had no desire to be known to the public, especially not as some kept man. It made things difficult sometimes – they were used to Harry being tied to every female model and actress that he so much as spoke to, but it didn’t make it any easier for Louis to see the rumours or the strain it put on his boyfriend.

Right now, with Harry devouring his neck and massaging his arse, it’s difficult to remember any of that. All he feels is _happiness._

“Office, Harry,” Louis says on a gasp, tugging on his long curls. “We gotta- let’s go to my office. Privacy. Oh, _god.”_

Harry pulls back with a smirk, his fingers slipping out from where he’d just pushed them beneath the waistband of Louis’ black skinnies. He puts Louis down onto his feet and then grabs his wrist, pulling him behind the bar, keying in the code to let them into the hallway out the back and finally into Louis’ office. Louis locks the door behind him and he’s only just turned around before Harry drops to his knees and starts yanking open the button and pulling down the fly of his jeans.

“Harry,” Louis murmurs, his hands naturally gravitating to Harry’s hair again. There’s nothing more his boyfriend likes than having his hair played with and tugged on.

“Just- just fuck my face, Lou. I want it. It’s been too long. Please.”

Louis squeezes his eyes closed when Harry yanks down his jeans and pants and immediately takes him into his mouth. It’s so, so easy. It’s always so easy to let go with Harry. So that’s exactly what he does. He grips the hair at the nape of Harry’s neck and tugs him back and forth over his length, thrusting his hips backwards and forwards with the motion. Harry gags so prettily, his big green eyes teary and dark as they stare up at Louis. Louis can’t help but stare back at him, his lips parted as high, breathy sounds escape him. His cock hits the back of Harry’s throat and Harry moans, his nails digging into the backs of Louis’ thighs, and it’s just been so, so long that Louis can’t hold off, just comes straight down the back of his boyfriend’s throat with a moan so loud that it reverberates around the room.

“Shit,” he says between heaving breaths.

“Good?” Harry asks, standing up and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Louis nods. “Very. Sorry I didn’t last.”

“Are you kidding?” Harry says as he redresses Louis. “That was so hot, Lou. I’m gonna blow any second.”

Louis smirks and slides a leg between Harry’s, pressing his thigh up against his crotch. Harry’s eyes flutter closed and his mouth falls open and he’s quick to start thrusting against him, his face burying into Louis' neck. He pants heavily, his breath hot and wet against Louis' skin.

“Feel good, baby?” Louis asks, rubbing his thigh up into Harry. “You gonna come?”

Harry whimpers, his hips jerking uncoordinatedly and then stilling, his whole body shaking as he comes into his pants.

“Wow, you weren’t kidding. That can’t have been more than a minute.”

“ _Lou_ ,” Harry whines. “It’s been a _month_ and you’re so hot. You know how I get when you fuck my face.”

“I know, baby,” Louis says, massaging the back of Harry’s neck when his boyfriend tries his best to get even closer, curling down around him.

“I’m all dirty and gross now.”

Louis laughs. “That’s your fault, not mine.”

“No it’s not!” Harry says indignantly, stepping back and putting his hands on his hips. “You’re the one that made me come.”

“Oh my god.” Louis laughs, rolling his eyes fondly. “Come on, take your pants off. You can go commando.”

“Easy access,” Harry says with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“You’re already easy, babe.”

“Easy for you.”

Really, Louis can’t be blamed for kissing him again.

 

A couple of hours later, Harry is completely off his head. Louis bites his lip worriedly, ignoring the look of concern he’s getting from Zayn beside him. There’s no one pushing to get to the bar for a drink because they’re all cheering for Harry, who is currently dancing on one of the tables with a drink in both hands, a pretty girl dancing along his front and a hot guy at his back. Louis’ only a little bothered by them dancing with his boyfriend because he knows that Harry is completely devoted to him and would never do anything. What is really bothering him is the spaced out look on his boyfriend’s face, the sluggishness of his movements, the dopey smile and hazy eyes.

“Lou,” Zayn says beside him, almost too quiet to be heard over the loud music and singing crowd, “has he taken anything?”

“I… I don’t know,” Louis says, just as quiet – _worried_. “I mean, he’s been drinking. I haven’t really been keeping track because it’s been so busy, you know?”

“Yeah, but- I don’t know, man. It seems like-”

“Look, he’s just a little drunk. Okay?” Louis snaps.

Zayn puts his dishtowel over his shoulder and puts his hands up in surrender. “Okay, Louis. Whatever you say.”

Louis looks back out to the crowd, smiling at the way Harry is spinning in circles with his hands up in the air, his head thrown back and a huge smile on his brilliant, glowing face. Harry’s fine. Of course he is. He just likes attention.

Harry has always liked being in the spotlight; that’s never been a secret. It was difficult for Louis in the beginning, watching the way Harry flirted with everything that moved while he worked behind the bar, unable to do anything to stop it. Now, it’s just a part of him that Louis loves. It’s not the flirting itself that Louis loves because honestly he could really do without that, but it’s the fact that at the end of the night it’s Louis that Harry goes home to, it’s Louis that’s allowed to touch him and kiss him and love him. Louis has to share Harry with the world, but at the end of the day, it’s him Harry wants.

Louis carries on his work behind the bar, glancing up every now and then to check that Harry hasn’t toppled off a table and isn’t being felt up by some sleazebag that Harry’s too nice to shake off. It wouldn’t be the first time Louis has had to bare his teeth and save his boyfriend from someone getting a little too handsy. Louis isn’t necessarily proud of his possessive and jealous streaks, but it is what it is and if there’s one thing he hates, it’s people taking advantage of his boyfriend. Harry is so innocent and kind and lovely and sometimes he needs someone to step in to stop him from getting himself into trouble. That’s always been Louis’ biggest worry when Harry is off travelling or working because he’s pretty sure that Harry wouldn’t be able to spot someone out to harm him until it’s too late.

“Louis!” Harry yells over the music, suddenly at the bar with a massive grin on his face. “Is it home time?”

“No, not yet. Another half an hour, love.”

“I wanna fuck.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “What you need is to have a big glass of water and go to bed.”

Harry pouts and it’s so cute that Louis can’t stop himself from leaning over the bar to give his boyfriend a quick kiss.

“You’re drunk, baby.”

“So? My dick still works and everything. Don’t you?” Harry says, looking down at his crotch and then back up at Louis. “Little Harry says yes.”

“Oh my god. Go away. I never wanna see your face again. That was atrocious.”

Harry giggles, sliding onto one of the barstools and leaning his elbows on the sticky bar. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

Louis has to practically carry Harry from the cab up into their flat and it’s not easy. Harry may not have an ounce of fat on him, but he’s tall and muscular and so damn heavy. Louis doesn’t work out, okay? He’s weak. Whatever, he can still fuck Harry into next week.

“Lou? Is that you?” Harry mumbles, frowning when Louis pushes him down on the bed and starts undressing him for bed.

“Of course it is, silly.”

Harry makes a noise of confusion.

“What is it, baby?”

“Where am I?”

Louis stares at Harry and his stomach drops. “We’re home, Haz.”

Harry looks around the room and then a dopey smile takes over his face. “Oh, yeah. We gonna fuck now?”

“No, baby.”

Louis tucks him in and leaves the room to get him a glass of water and some ibuprofen for the morning. He rubs his hands over his face when he gets into the kitchen, slumping back against the worktop. He likes to pretend that everything is okay. It’s so easy when they’re reunited and everything feels great and wonderful and like the stars are shining just because they want them to. It doesn’t change the fact that everything isn’t okay though. It isn’t okay because his boyfriend is lovely and beautiful and wonderful and so, so precious… and he’s currently high out of his mind. Louis knew it at the bar, he knew it when he was talking to Zayn, and he knows it now. He wants to pretend. He wants to pretend that they’re younger again, that they’ve only just met and Harry is a happy, grinning eighteen year-old with a head full of big, beautiful dreams. They can’t go back though and no matter how hard Louis pretends, he just can’t ignore the fact his boyfriend has lost part of himself to something so self-destructive.

He wishes he knew who Harry got the stuff from tonight, but he knows it wouldn’t do any good anyway. He doesn’t even know what the hell he’s taken, but he guesses that doesn’t really matter either. Shit, he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. It’s been years and he’s terrified everyday that it’s going to be the day that Harry goes too far and can’t come back from it. He’s his baby and Louis can’t stand, literally cannot stand, the thought of having to live without him. He’s tried convincing him to get help, but Harry always starts yelling and says that he’s fine and it turns into a big fight and Louis is so tired of it.

He brings the water into their bedroom and strips down to his boxers before sliding into the bed beside Harry. He smiles at the little snuffling noises his boyfriend is making and lets out a heavy sigh as he arranges him to make sure that he won’t suffocate if he starts being sick in the night. Then, suddenly exhausted, Louis curls up on his side of the bed, one hand resting on Harry’s waist, and falls asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he's gone, Louis misses Harry like he's lost half of his heart. Everything will always come back to Harry.

Harry is gone. Louis knows that the moment he wakes up, his arm stretching out to find nothing but cold sheets where his boy is supposed to be. Harry is leaving for Australia today to do a feature in some magazine or other – Louis honestly can’t remember anymore – and his plane is supposed to be leaving… half an hour ago.

“Oh fuck him,” Louis breathes out, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Louis had planned to drive him to the airport himself, to get him a McDonald’s breakfast before his flight, to give him a teary kiss goodbye before he disappeared for another two weeks. It’s clear that that’s not going to be happening anymore though. He could have sworn he set an alarm, but knowing them, Louis would have complained about getting up and Harry would have turned it off and shushed him back to sleep before Louis could even think. _Fuck –_ he wanted to say goodbye.

Two weeks is what they got – two glorious weeks of quality time together. It feels like it passed by quicker than lightning and now Louis is alone again. He lies back down and rolls over, presses his face into Harry’s pillow and inhales the smell of his coconut shampoo. God, he loves that smell. It is comfort, home – that’s what Harry has always been to him. He feels like he’s lost a limb when he’s gone, like he’s hobbling around, trying to learn to function in some other way, only feeling whole and well again once they’re back in each other’s arms.

Modeling is what Harry loves and Louis wouldn’t dream of ever taking it away from him, but shit does he miss him when he’s gone. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but Louis doesn’t think that’s the case at all. Sometimes, distance makes people angry and hurt and resentful and Louis hates that sometimes that’s what it does to him. He never wants to blame Harry for the strain on their relationship, but at the end of the day it’s him that travels and it’s him that snorts up and it’s him that leaves in the morning without fucking waking Louis up. The strain isn’t bad, it’s really not, but it’s present and it hovers over them and Louis hates it.

**To Harry: next time, wake me up before you go. Not cool, babe.**

He feels marginally better once he’s sent the text, and somewhat pleased that Harry will feel guilty when he sees it. Harry can be an arsehole, but Louis can be too sometimes.

He gets up with a sigh and walks into the kitchen. He makes himself a cup of tea and a piece of toast, covering it in marmite, before walking into the living room and collapsing onto their ridiculously large sofa.

With Harry’s career, they can afford to live very comfortably. Louis had struggled with it in the beginning; the prospect of being what felt like a kept man at the time a difficult pill to swallow. He’d been too proud. He was twenty-one with a shitty flat, but he’d been supporting himself okay and he’d been looking after Harry pretty well for that year before his career had really taken off. Having his younger boyfriend suddenly telling him that he was going to buy them a new flat – a bigger, better flat – hadn’t sat well with him. Harry and his friends had been quick to tell him that he was being a prick, and after that whole debacle he had given in and let Harry take care of them. He’d helped Louis out with the bar; Louis has made sure to pay all of that money back, even though Harry had initially rejected it. Money stopped being a sore spot a long time ago now that they’re both financially secure (an understatement for Harry) and Louis is thankful for the life he gets to lead. He’s so, so lucky.

He turns the TV on, flicking through the channels until he finally settles on _Cbeebies_ – he’s always loved kids TV and he misses the twins, so sue him. He munches on his toast, tapping his foot to the beat of the _Tweenies’_ theme tune. He didn’t even realise that they still aired this show; it had been his favourite when he was younger. He jumps a little when his phone starts ringing in his pocket, the vibrating a weird sensation through his thin tracksuit bottoms. He smiles when he sees that it’s his mum.

“Hey, mum,” Louis says.

“Hi, sweetheart. How are you?”

Louis sighs dramatically. “I’m terrible. How are you?”

“I’m great. What’s wrong, hun? Oh wait, Harry was leaving today wasn’t he?”

“Yeah. He didn’t even say goodbye,” Louis mumbles. He only feels a little embarrassed when his eyes fill with tears. He’s never been able to keep anything from his mum, so he should have known that she’d know he was feeling teary without even having to see his face.

“Oh, Boo. He probably just didn’t want to wake you.”

“I know,” Louis says, sniffling. “I just- he’s gonna be away for two weeks and we didn’t have long and now he’s gone again and I just miss him _so_ much. I wanted to get him breakfast. You know how much he likes the McDonald’s sausage and egg Mcmuffin. He’ll never buy himself one. He only eats them if I get him one.”

His mum laughs and the sound of it does make Louis smile a little; he’s always loved his mum’s laugh. “I’m sure he’ll be fine without one, hun. He’s a big boy.”

“My big boy though,” Louis grumbles.

“Where’s he off to? Anywhere fun?”

“Sydney. It’s summer out there too, so he’ll be on the beach tanning with a load of other models, whilst I’m here in the cold and the rain working my arse off at the bar. It’s been so busy lately.”

“Maybe you should meet up with the boys. That might cheer you up and take your mind off of it.”

“Niall is at some lawyer’s conference thingy in Leeds this week and Zayn is working at the bar with me,” he says. “Maybe I just need to get spectacularly drunk.”

His mum tuts. “I don’t think that’s a solution, Louis.”

Louis thinks of Harry with his hazy eyes and lazy smile and clumsy limbs, thinks of him spending the night hanging over a toilet with tears in his eyes. _It’s not a solution at all,_ he thinks.

“I know, mum. I won’t. I promise.”

“This distance is really getting to you, huh?”

“Yeah,” Louis whispers.

“Why don’t you come home for a bit? Let me make you a roast dinner or something. The kiddies have been asking when you’re coming to visit.”

Louis sighs. “I wish I could. I can’t though. Liam is on holiday with his folks, so there’s only Zayn and me at the bar. I’ll try to come home in a couple of weeks. I’ll see if I can find some sort of opening.”

“Aw baby, you’re so busy all the time. Are you getting plenty of sleep? Are you tired?”

Louis sniffles again, the tears coming back in full force. “I’m fucking exhausted, mum. I just- I can’t sleep properly when he’s not here because I’m so goddamn worried about him and what he’s doing. Those people are no good for him.”

“Louis, it’s his job, darling.”

“The partying with half naked women is not part of his job.”

“No, but it’s being seen with the right people, isn’t it? That’s what he needs to do to keep his connections, to stay in the spotlight.”

“I’m never going to be enough for him,” Louis says sadly.

“Don’t you dare say that. He’d drop everything for you if he needed to. That boy loves you so much.”

“I know,” Louis whispers.

“Now, what you’re going to do is take a shower, put some nice clothes on, and go for a walk. Fresh air will do you good. Go for a coffee if you want and take a book.”

“Okay.”

“Talk to Zayn or one of the other boys. You’re not alone, Louis.”

“I know. It just feels that way without him here sometimes.”

“I know. You’re doing so well, love. He’ll be home before you know it.”

Louis looks up to the ceiling and swallows thickly. “Yeah, I know.”

“I’ve got to go now, love. Ernest is pulling Doris’ hair again. I swear to god, he’s always doing it. Doris is gonna whack him one of these days and I don’t think I’ll even be able to blame her.”

Louis laughs. “Okay. Bye mum. Love you.”

“Love you too, sweetheart. Call me if you need anything, yeah?”

“Promise.”

 

**@Harry_Styles: Sydney is rather hot… oh yeah, it’s summer here! Weird…**

Louis rolls his eyes at the stupid tweet, showing it to Zayn who also rolls his eyes.

“I swear, he could tweet whatever idiotic thing he liked and he’d still get thousands of retweets,” Zayn says.

“People eat that shit up, Zaynie. My boyfriend is a super model.”

“Yeah, I know. He’s drop dead gorgeous – GQ’s hottest man of the year.”

Louis beams, but the moment he sees the replies, his heart drops. “Shit.”

“What?” Zayn says, eyebrows furrowed.

Louis sighs, showing Zayn the photo of Harry sat with a model on either side of him, smirking at the camera with a stupid cocktail stick hanging out the corner of his mouth, followed by a photo of another model sitting in his lap looking smug as hell, and then another of him leaving a club, holding the hand of yet another model. If Louis sees one more picture of Harry with a tall, blonde-haired model with legs longer than the fucking Champs-Élysées then he might scream.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Harry,” Zayn mutters, his voice barely heard over the loud music of the bar.

“I hate him.”

“No you don’t, mate,” Zayn says, gently rubbing Louis’ back. “Why don’t you give him a call?”

“It’ll be ten in the morning there. He might not be awake if he’s been partying all fucking night.”

“You can still try.”

Louis nods. “Will you be okay for a minute if I go out the back?”

“Sure, man. There’s no queue anyway.”

Louis keys in the code of the back door and steps into the hallway, leaning against the cold wall and taking a deep breath the moment he’s alone. He swallows thickly and dials Harry’s number, holding the phone to his ear. _Please answer,_ he thinks. _Please._

“Oh fuck you,” he mutters when it goes immediately to voicemail.

**To Harry: call me when you wake up. Please, baby. I miss you x**

He rubs his face with his hands and then walks back out the front and behind the bar. He shakes his head at Zayn’s questioning look, smiling half-heartedly as Zayn sighs heavily.

“I just hope he’s safe,” Louis says.

“He will be, mate. That kid’s tough,” Zayn says.

A queue is beginning to form, so Louis throws himself into his work, hoping that when he finishes for the night that he’ll have a message waiting for him.

 

Louis doesn’t look at his phone until he gets home. He smiles when he sees that there actually is a voicemail from Harry. His happiness doesn’t last long though.

“Lou,” Harry’s voice sounds shaky, “I’m sorry I left. I just- I didn’t wanna wake you, baby. You looked so tired and I couldn’t wake you up. I know you’re tired, always so tired, and I think that’s my fault and I’m so sorry. I miss you too, so much. I can’t even tell you how much.” He’s crying now and Louis’ heart breaks. “I feel fucking awful. I don’t even know what I took last night or how much I drank, but I feel fucking awful and it’s even worse because I can’t spend all day in bed with you. I miss you playing with my hair and stroking my back. I miss your smell. These hotel room pillows don’t smell like you and I hate it. I just want my Lou bear. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I keep fucking up. I don’t mean to. I swear I don’t. I hate all these fucking people. I just wanna be with you. I wanna come home, Lou. I’m so tired. I just- I’m gonna go back to sleep I think. I’m sorry this is such a mess. I love you. I hope you sleep well. I’m sorry.”

Louis wipes the tears from his cheeks and drops down onto the sofa. He lets himself cry for a moment, his arms wrapping around his stomach as sobs wrack his body, before standing up and kicking the coffee table over. His chest heaves, his breaths heavy, and then he crumples again, crying silently as he turns the coffee table back over and rearranges the coasters and books. Once he’s done, he flips the lights off and makes his way to their bedroom, changing quickly and slipping into bed without even brushing his teeth. He just feels so, so terrible. He wants Harry here with him in his arms so that he can soothe him back to sleep and settle him down and stop his tears and all the bad, nasty thoughts. He needs him.

**To Mum: I’m worried about Harry**

**From Mum: I know, but there’s nothing you can do now. Go to sleep and get some rest. Things will seem better in the morning**

**To Mum: sorry if I woke you**

**From Mum: don’t apologise, sweetie. I’m here if you need me. You know that**

**To Mum: I love you x**

**From Mum: I love you too x**

Louis sighs heavily and slides across the bed until he’s on Harry’s side, burying his face in his pillow. God, he loves him so much it’s ridiculous. He misses him so much it hurts. No matter how hard Louis tries, Harry is always in his thoughts. There’s always a yearning for him, like the two of them are tethered together and being apart tugs on his heart, his chest aching until they’re back together again as a whole. It’s so hard being apart – so, so hard.

**To Harry: don’t be sorry, baby. I love you too. So much x**

**From Harry: two weeks**

**To Harry: two weeks**

Louis hugs Harry’s pillow to him and tries to pretend that it’s his boy he’s holding in his arms. It doesn’t work and it takes him hours to fall asleep. Two more weeks – that’s all he’s got to get through before Harry is home. It feels like an eternity. He’ll get through it though. He always does. Jesus, Harry is everything. What he’ll do if he ever loses him, Louis has no idea. Everything always comes back to Harry, no matter what.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes there are days where everything is wonderful. Louis chooses to make the most out of those days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and smut ahead!

If life could be caught in snapshots, Louis thinks he’d like to be caught in this one forever. Harry’s eyes are gleaming – fucking _gleaming –_ in the colourful lights of the fairground, his face turned towards Louis with the biggest, child-like grin that Louis thinks he’s ever seen. There is such wonder and happiness in that one look and it takes Louis’ breath away. All he’s ever wanted is to see Harry happy and right now it’s like they’ve gone back in time, back to when they first met. Harry just looks so young, so in love with life and everything it has to offer. He looks so excited. Everything about the moment is so pure.

“Come on, Lou!” Harry laughs, tugging on Louis’ hand until he’s running with him, weaving between people in the tightly packed crowd. “I wanna go on the carousel.”

Louis follows him, laughing because he’s just so _glad_ that Harry is having fun. His happiness is infectious and Louis finds himself falling in love with his boy all over again.

It’s been tough recently. Well, more than tough at times. Today though, Louis is ignoring that because this is one of the good days.

Harry’s been travelling more, partying harder than ever, and it’s been starting to show: red-rimmed eyes and chapped lips and dark shadows and greasy hair and sunken cheeks. Louis wants to get him help, but he doesn’t know how to do it – not when Harry is so against it. The past week, he’s been using less of whatever it is he usually takes. Louis knows that because he’s brightened somehow. There’s a shine to his eyes again, a glow to his skin, a slight bounce to his curls. Maybe Louis’ imagining it because surely change can’t be that quick, but either way he’s thankful for it. Harry had been so happy this morning, almost giddy, and Louis had woken up to Harry kissing over his chest and giggling when he noticed Louis watching him. Louis had decided immediately that he was going to make the most of the day, that he was going to spoil his baby and make it something memorable for all the days that are bad. He’d tried to make pancakes unsuccessfully, grinning so widely that his cheeks hurt at the way Harry was practically on the floor because he was laughing so hard. They’d gone to McDonald’s instead for McMuffins because as much as he likes to poke fun at Harry for how much he loves them, sometimes it’s nice to go get some cheap fast food rather than go to some fancy restaurant or café. Harry spends too much time at those types of places and Louis knows how sick he gets of all the pomp and circumstance.

Now, after spending the rest of the day going to museums and art galleries – things they never really get the chance to do together – they’re in Hyde Park at the annual Winter Wonderland. It’s where they’d gone on their first date and it’s amazing to be there again now, just as in love as he was five years earlier. Louis knows for sure that there is nothing that will ever make him love Harry any less. What they’ve got isn’t something that many other people get to experience. What they have is true love. They’re soul mates – Louis has always been certain of that.

Harry looks so cute wearing his dark red scarf with the golden leaves – a little something that Louis had bought him earlier in the day. Louis tugs on it now that they’ve joined the queue for the carousel, pulling Harry down so that he can press their chapped lips together. It’s a little dry to begin with, but Harry is quick to respond with a swipe of his tongue, licking his way into Louis’ mouth until they’re lost in a deep kiss.

“I love you,” Louis says on a sigh when they pull back.

“I love you too.” Harry beams.

He doesn’t stop smiling the entire time they’re on the carousel, laughing loudly at the silly faces Louis pulls and the way he pretends to whip his horse to go faster. He falls into his side when they get off, his cheeks rosy, and presses his face into Louis’ hair.

“What’s next?” Harry asks.

“Let’s go on the Ferris wheel.”

Harry’s face goes soft, his eyes shiny. “Like our first date?”

“Yeah, baby. Just like that,” Louis whispers, gently tucking a loose curl behind Harry’s ear.

It’s magical when they reach the top, Harry pointing stuff out excitedly whilst Louis simply watches him. He thinks he could look at him all day, the way he just exudes life. He’s _bigger_ than life, that’s what he is. Louis doesn’t have to wonder why he’s as successful and famous as he is, why men and women alike adore him, why they want to be him or be with him. Louis is so, so lucky. Jesus, he’d do anything for him. He’s so precious. He’s everything.

“You okay, Lou?” Harry asks. “Daydreaming?”

“Nah,” Louis says, pulling Harry back until he’s cuddled in his arms. “Just thinking sappy thoughts about you.”

“Oh, like what?”

“That you’re the most beautiful boy in the whole world and I’m so happy that you’re mine,” he says, pressing a kiss to the tip of Harry’s nose.

Harry shakes his head and says softly, “No, I’m the lucky one. I’m so lucky to have you, Lou. I don’t deserve you. I’m sor-”

“None of that,” Louis says, holding him tighter. “You’re perfect. Okay?”

Harry nods and pulls at the back of Louis’ head until they’re kissing again.

 

Louis wakes up the next morning to a face full of stuffed bear. He’d won it last night for Harry and Harry had been so delighted by the four-foot fluff that he’d insisted it had to stay on the bed with them. For whatever reason, Louis is now hugging Arnold – as Harry calls it – and not his boyfriend.

“Haz?” he says, voice rough with sleep.

When there’s no reply, Louis sits up to peer over the bear. He grumbles unintelligibly when he sees Harry’s side of the bed empty. He’s just about to get up to find the arsehole when said arsehole walks into the room, kicking the door shut behind him because he’s carrying a tray with breakfast and two cups of tea. It’s a full English too, so… maybe not such an arsehole after all. Louis chucks Arnold off the bed, laughing at Harry’s scandalized expression.

“I have a question for you,” Harry says after he’s put the tray down and climbed back into bed.

“Hm?”

“Why do we have fingertips and not toetips, but we can tiptoe and not tipfinger?”

Louis looks at his boyfriend flatly, fighting the smile that’s threatening to form. He will not laugh. He will not.

He laughs. Harry looks ridiculously pleased.

“Thank you for this,” Louis says as he bites into a piece of toast covered in the perfect amount of butter.

Harry grins. “You’re welcome. It’s been ages since we’ve had breakfast in bed. Thought we could watch a bit of telly.”

“Sounds perfect.”

They watch something on ITV1, neither really paying much attention, too busy looking over at each other and giggling, occasionally talking about nothing in particular as they eat. That is until an advert for the new Gucci aftershave comes on the TV.

“Baby, it’s you,” Louis says.

Harry blushes and stares down at the duvet as he sips his tea. Louis finds it so endearing that Harry still gets shy and embarrassed about seeing himself. Louis just feels almost unbearably proud. That’s his boy on TV, lying on a black leather bench with his head thrown back, the camera panning around him and his beautiful profile, the light catching him perfectly and casting him in a golden light. Gucci Harry turns his head to the side, his eyes fluttering open to look directly into the camera and he whispers, “Gucci Gold – for men,” in his deep voice. Louis is mesmerized, even more so when he turns his head to see the real Harry sat beside him looking shyly at Louis as if waiting for his approval.

Louis takes Harry’s mug from his hand and puts it back on the tray, along with his own, and says, “Lie back, baby.”

Harry frowns at him, but does as he’s told; his hair fans out across the pillow perfectly.

“I hadn’t finished that,” Harry says when Louis moves the tray off the bed and puts it on the floor. “It’ll go cold, Lou.”

“I’ll heat it up for you after,” Louis says.

“After what?”

Louis lifts the duvet up slightly and moves to straddle Harry, settling down on the tops of Harry’s thighs. He watches happily as Harry’s Adam’s apple bobs, his breath catching.

“You want to?” Louis asks. He will always ask.

“Please,” Harry says lowly.

Louis grins and then leans down, lowering himself until they’re pressed together chest to chest, before pressing their lips together. He rolls his hips lazily as they kiss, their lips sliding together and tongues teasing, and he swallows all the small sounds that escape from the back of Harry’s throat. He’s always loved the way Harry sounds, has always prided himself on his ability to draw them out of him. He also loves that he’s the only one that gets to hear them, has always made sure that they’re somewhere private before teasing them from him. Harry is his and he won’t share this part of him when he already has to share so much.

It’s not long before Harry starts growing restless, writhing on the mattress as his hips begin to rock up into Louis’ almost of their own accord. He turns his head, his lips sliding across Louis’ cheek, and pants heavily.

“Lou,” he says. “Stop teasing. I want-“

“What do you want, sweetheart?”

“I want you to fuck me.”

Louis can definitely get on board with that. They’ve been fooling around a lot over the past few days, but they haven’t fucked properly and Louis is itching to get inside his boy again.

“Like this or do you want to turn over?”

“Like this,” Harry says, quickly nodding his head.

Louis moves back until he’s kneeling between Harry’s legs and pushes on Harry’s thighs until he’s bent in half. “Hold them up, love.”

Harry clasps his hands behind his knees and hugs his legs to his chest. “I feel like a pretzel.”

Louis laughs, grabbing the lube from the drawer in the bedside table. “Mhm, my pretzel.”

Harry rolls his eyes, but Louis can see the way his breathing has picked up while he’s been watching Louis coat his fingers. He watches as Harry digs his nails into his skin, as he wiggles his bum a little in anticipation, as he throws back his head when Louis rubs the tip of his middle finger around his rim.

“Cold?”

“No,” Harry says, shaking his head. “It’s good. It’s good, Lou.”

Louis lets out a heavy breath as he presses his finger inside, watching Harry carefully as he pushes in past the first knuckle and all the way inside in one go. Harry’s mouth drops open, his eyes fluttering closed so prettily, and he lets out the most beautiful moan – it almost sounds like relief.

“Oh _fuck.”_ Harry whimpers.

“You look so pretty, Harry. My pretty baby, huh?”

Harry lets out a high-pitched sound, writhing and twisting the sheets in his hands when Louis rubs against his prostate, his eyes scrunched closed as he pants out heavily. Louis presses down on his chest with his spare hand to keep him still.

“Lou, more.”

Louis nods, carefully sliding in a second finger and a third not long after. Harry’s beginning to lose the grip on his legs, his fingers slipping on the sweat beading on his skin.

“You ready, baby?”

Harry nods, letting go of his legs and reaching out for Louis instead. Louis goes willingly, wiping his hand off on the sheets, and lies on top of his boyfriend so he can kiss him. Harry wraps his legs around Louis’ waist and ruts up against him, desperate noises muffled against Louis’ mouth.

“Now, Lou,” Harry says, reaching between them to coat Louis’ cock in lube before throwing it off the side of the bed.

Louis pushes in slowly, watching as he sinks inside his boyfriend, and then looks up to see Harry with his head thrown back, mouth wide open as he gulps in air.

“Are you okay?”

“Perfect,” Harry gasps. “More perfect if you move.”

Louis smiles widely and then pulls back, only to snap his hips forward and press back inside into that perfect heat. Harry scrambles, his hands seeming to bounce from the sheets to his pillow to the headboard, finally settling on Louis’ back where he scratches welts into the skin. Louis winces, but the pain sends a lick of pleasure up and down his spine, making his hips jerk uncoordinatedly. The angle must have worked for Harry because he lets out a short scream, his whole body jerking and trying to curl around Louis.

“There, baby?”

Harry nods his head and bites down on Louis’ shoulder, shuddering as Louis starts fucking in at that angle with vigor. Louis squeezes his eyes closed, fighting against his orgasm so that he can get Harry there first. He needs to take care of his boy before he can let go. He won’t leave Harry unsatisfied – not ever. He reaches down with one hand, sliding it between them until he can palm at Harry’s cock.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Harry whimpers, his eyes flying wide open as he begins to shake uncontrollably. “I’m gonna come. I’m gonna-“

Louis watches with rapture as Harry comes, crying out loudly, before he closes his eyes and thrusts harder, faster until he reaches his own orgasm. It’s earth-shattering to put it lightly and by the time he’s finished, he’s collapsed down onto Harry’s sweat-damp chest, shivering.

“You okay, babe?” Harry asks, rubbing his hands up and down Louis’ back. “Cold?”

Louis nods, sighing thankfully when Harry pulls the duvet up around them; Louis always gets cold after he comes. He pushes himself up on shaky arms and smiles down at Harry, leaning forward to kiss him softly. Harry beams back.

“Wanna stay in bed all day?” Louis asks.

Harry tugs Louis down and rolls them over, kissing all over Louis’ sweaty face. “Only if you let me fuck you next.”

Louis sighs happily, reaching up to tuck Harry’s wild curls behind his ears. “As much as you like, love.”

Harry smirks. “I hope you’ve been doing your stretches then.”

“What crazy shit are you planning?”

“I’ve been doing some, uh… reading.”

Louis quirks an eyebrow. “What kind of reading?”

“The Karma Sutra.” Harry laughs. “It’s time to get weird, baby.”

Louis hugs Harry to him. “I don’t know why I love your crazy arse, but I do.”

“Well, I love yours too.”

Louis smiles and pulls Harry down for another kiss. Things might be difficult sometimes, but right now they’re perfect, and Louis is so, so deliriously happy. He's going to do everything he can to make it last. After all, there's nothing he wants more than to make his baby happy. 


	4. Chapter 4

It’s cold and raining when they get to Amsterdam, but that doesn’t even register to Louis. He’s just so giddy to be standing with Harry under an umbrella, his head on Harry’s chest, whilst Harry calls down a taxi. It only takes a second and then the driver it taking their bags and putting them in the boot after Harry hands over some money. They both slide into the backseat and Harry immediately scoots down so he can settle comfortably into Louis’ side, pulling his arm around him much to Louis’ amusement. Harry has always tried his best to be smaller than he actually is, desperate to be wrapped up and fawned over. Louis doesn’t mind it – he likes taking the role of protector.

They’re staying in the Andaz Amsterdam Prinsengracht – a five-star hotel located in the heart of the canal belt. Louis feels as out of place as he usually does when Harry drags him anywhere posh. He stares down at his Vans, tugging on the strings of his hoodie, whilst Harry checks them in. Harry’s fine in his Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent and whatever else it is that he usually wears.

“I thought you said it was somewhere cheap,” Louis hisses as they walk away from the service desk.

“This is cheap.”

Louis punches Harry’s arm lightly. “This isn’t cheap, Haz.”

“It is for me.” Harry shrugs.

Louis rolls his eyes. His boyfriend is being a rich arsehole and if anyone asks, he does _not_ find it hot – not at all.

They’re on holiday. Well, a weekend getaway because they don’t have much time for anything else with their current schedules. It’s Louis’ birthday tomorrow and Harry had surprised him. He’d woken up this morning with Harry straddling him, a red rose between his teeth and the plane tickets sticking out of a pair of light pink panties. It had been a very good way to wake up.

Their room is beautiful, which is no surprise considering Harry had picked it personally – the benefits of being an international super model, Louis supposes. The things money can do for people still blows Louis’ mind.

“All the rooms are individually designed by Marcel Wanders, so they’re all different. I thought you might prefer this to the one with the giant fish on the wall,” Harry says, laughing at the way Louis screws his face up.

Their room is elegant and modern: dark wood, yellow and white patterned sofas, a beautiful, royal blue geometric rug, a queen-sized bed with pristine white sheets, a large shower and an even larger bathtub. To top it all off, they have a beautiful view of the canal. Harry has chosen well, as always.

Louis runs over to the bed and leaps onto it, rolling over until he’s starfished on his back. “Ravish me,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

Harry bursts out laughing, a wide toothy grin on his face. He’s absolutely glowing and in the late afternoon light, he looks so beautiful Louis almost can’t take it.

“Later,” Harry says. “I’ve got plans for us.”

“Oh?” Louis sits up excitedly.

“Thought we might go for a nice dinner and then… maybe clubbing? We could ring in your twenty-sixth birthday in the right way. I promise I’ll be good. I just thought you might like to let loose a bit.”

“Hey,” Louis says, getting to his feet and walking over until he can wrap his arms around Harry’s neck. “That sounds great, Haz. Perfect really. There’s just one thing…”

“What?” Harry asks, frowning. Louis thinks it’s adorable.

“I’m not turning twenty-six. I’m turning twenty.”

Harry laughs and it’s a loud barking thing that makes him blush instantly. Louis is so charmed by him; he thinks he might die with how much he adores him.

“No, you’re an old man now.”

“I’ll give you ‘old man’,” Louis says, moving his arms quickly so he can dig his fingers into Harry’s sides.

“Stop!” Harry squeals, his knees buckling until he’s lying on the floor with Louis on top of him, being tickled mercilessly.

“Say I’m not an old man.”

“You’re an old man!” Harry yells, laughing so hard it seems like he can barely breathe.

“Baby, I’m warning you. I will make you pee your pants. Don’t make me do it,” Louis says, grinning like a mad man.

“Okay, okay, okay. You’re not an old man. You’re the youngest man there’s ever been.”

Louis stops tickling him and runs his hands soothingly up and down Harry’s chest, leaning back on Harry’s thighs.

“Fuck, I love you,” he can’t help but say.

Harry stares up at him with rosy cheeks and a look of pure happiness. He slowly nods his head and reaches for Louis, tugging him down until he can press their lips together. It’s slow and soft and deep. It’s perfect, just like always.

“You swear you’ll be good tonight?” Louis whispers, his face hovering just above Harry’s.

“I promise,” Harry says, his smile turning sad.

“Hey, don’t pull that face,” Louis says, carding his fingers through Harry’s hair and smoothing it back from his face. “I’m not mad. You know I’m not. I just want us to have fun tonight, that’s all. I don’t want you getting sad or upset.”

Harry sniffles and wraps his arms around Louis, pressing his face into his neck. He nuzzles him and presses light kisses to the sensitive skin there. “I’ll be good.”

“Come on, let’s go and have some fun, baby.”

Harry nods. “Okay.”

 

Louis doesn’t think he’s ever felt so hot in his life. He’s damp with sweat, his black t-shirt sticking to his chest and back. Harry is grinding into him from behind, their bodies pressed as closely as possible, their hips swaying together with the synchronization that comes from years of familiarity and practice. Harry is licking at his neck, his hands roaming everywhere, moaning every time Louis grinds back hard. Louis has his arms looped behind Harry’s neck and fuck does he feel good.

It’s past midnight now and officially his birthday, so he doesn’t feel even a little guilty that he’s messy-drunk. Harry has barely drunk anything; too aware of his inability to stop once he’s started. It’s only heightened the joy Louis’ feeling. He feels so young and free, so happy to finally let go and forget all the worries that usually plague him day and night. He feels like screaming and shouting out his euphoria. His blood seems to be thrumming through his veins, his breathing comfortably quick, the sound of the bass reverberating through his chest.

Harry spins him around until they’re pressed chest to chest, grabs his arse with one hand and slides the other beneath his t-shirt to press against the sweaty base of his spine. Louis groans when Harry starts massaging his arse, pulling him closer, closer, closer, teeth nipping at his ear. Louis lets his head fall back, smiling up at Harry who looks so incredibly pleased and equally as elated. It’s been so, so long since they partied together like this. It’s probably been over a year, or maybe even more. Louis didn’t realise how much he missed it, but right now, dancing with Harry under the blue and green strobe lights, he wishes they’d been doing this all along.

“You want another drink, babe?” Harry shouts into his ear.

Louis nods, bouncing up on his toes to press his lips to Harry’s, licking into his mouth messily without hesitation. Harry grabs at his arse with both hands, pulling him forwards harshly so their cocks rub together through their jeans. Louis moans, yanking on Harry’s hair.

“Come on,” Harry shouts. “Drinks.”

Harry takes Louis’ hand and drags him through the crowd and up to the bar. They don’t really have to fight their way through because people take one look at Harry and seem to part for him. Louis smirks at the appreciative looks everyone is giving Harry, smug that he belongs to him and Harry isn’t sparing them so much as a glance.

“Two double vodka shots please,” Harry shouts to the barman.

They down them quickly, Louis sputtering while Harry just grins down at Louis, patting him on the back. Louis scowls at him, annoyed by Harry’s smoothness.

“I’m gonna go to the loo,” Harry says. “Wait here.”

Louis is only stood there for a few moments before another guy sidles up to him. “Hey there,” the guy says.

“Hi, mate.”

“You alone? You’re too pretty to be by yourself in here.”

Louis laughs, his smile bright, and pats the guy on the shoulder. “Nah, I’m not alone. You’re welcome to stay before my boyfriend gets back though.”

“I’m Jamie.”

“Louis,” Louis says, shaking Jamie’s hand.

“Clubbing on a couple’s holiday? Seems like you’ve hit gold with him.”

“Oh, you have no idea.”

“Lou?” Harry calls out, suddenly appearing at Louis’ side. He wraps his arm tightly around Louis’ shoulders, tugging him against his side. Louis smirks – Louis gets jealous, but Harry gets scary jealous.

“Jamie, this is Harry.”

“You’re… you’re Harry Styles,” Jamie says, a look of awe on his face.

“I am,” Harry says shortly.

“You have a boyfriend?”

“He does, but we’d really appreciate if you didn’t share that around,” Louis says.

“Of course. Can I buy you both a drink?”

“Lou, I’m going for a smoke. I’ll be back in a minute,” Harry whispers in Louis ear.

“I’ll come with,” Louis says, ignoring Jamie’s question

“No, I’m not going for a normal smoke. Stay here. I’ll only be a moment.”

“I’m still coming, Harry.”

“So is that a no to the drink?” Jamie asks.

“Sorry, mate. Maybe next time,” Louis says.

“Can I give you my number?”

“There will be no need for that. Thanks though,” Harry says, dragging Louis behind him.

Sober, Louis would probably be annoyed. Drunk though, Louis is just turned on by Harry’s act of possession.

“Where’d you get this from?” Louis asks Harry when he pulls out a small bag of weed. They’re out on a patio of some sort, leaning against a brick wall beside a bunch of other people smoking.

“Some guy in the loos.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Of course you did.”

Harry smiles, shrugging. “I always meet the best people.”

“I thought you said you were going to be a good boy.”

“I am. This does practically nothing for me anymore. You on the other hand… it’s been years since I’ve seen you high.”

“You’ll look after me, right?”

Harry leans down to kiss Louis softly. “Of course I will.”

“Okay. I don’t condone this behavior and if you do anything harder than this then I will kill you, but lets do this.”

 

“Did you know that one time when I was… I don’t know where I was actually,” Louis says frowning. “I was with Niall somewhere anyway. We saw this couple fucking on the street. They were really going at it too.”

“Is that right?” Harry replies, smiling fondly.

“Yeah! Going at it hard and fast they were. I mean, he wasn’t giving it to her as good I give it to you, but that’s because I’m the best shag.”

Harry snickers. “I wouldn’t know. You’re my only shag.”

Louis shoves Harry hard, laughing when Harry nearly falls over. “You’re never gonna shag anyone else ever.”

“I know, babe. I don’t want to.”

Louis goes all mushy inside and the world is blurry, but as always Harry is the focal point, the only thing he can focus on. He doesn’t want to focus on anything else anyway. He launches himself at Harry, laughing when Harry spins them around in circles. They’re in the middle of the street, but there are no cars to be seen. Everything feels amazing and Louis could scream with how happy he is. Really, he thinks he’s never felt better than he does in this moment. He wants to take a million pictures, but honestly he doesn’t think he has the coordination to even get his phone out of his pocket.

“I love you!” Louis yells, snickering when Harry winces at the volume.

“I love you too, Boo Bear.”

“That’s not my name,” Louis frowns. “You’re not me mum.”

“Turning Yorkshire on me now, are we?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis says, deepening his voice and speaking really slowly to mock his boyfriend.

“Hey,” Harry whines. “I do not sound like that.”

“You do, you do, you do.” Louis laughs.

“Fuck you,” Harry says, giggling.

“No swearing, Harold. Don’t be a bad boy.”

“But I’m the best boy.” Fuck, his smile is like the sun and Louis is just so in love.

“No, you’re a bad boy.”

“Your bad boy?”

“Oh yeah.”

“You gonna spank me, daddy?”

Louis screws his face up and slaps Harry on the shoulder. “Never call me that again.”

Harry laughs, hugging Louis tightly to him. “Not even on my birthday?”

“Not even then.”

“I love you,” Harry whispers in Louis’ ear, pressing a light kiss to his temple. “You’re my favourite person in the whole world.”

Louis smiles so hard it hurts, running his fingers through Harry’s tangled curls. “I love you too, baby.”

“Wanna go back to the hotel and fuck?”

Louis laughs. “No. I wanna go back and _make love.”_

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Harry pulls back and they smile at each other. Louis’ breath is taken away as he stares at his boy, the streetlights and stars shining behind him, neither as bright as Harry’s eyes or his smile. He knows in that moment that everything is going to be okay. It’s going to be better than okay. Life is so wonderful, so filled with light and colour. He’s so in love. _Fuck._ He wants to live forever, just like this. He forgets every bad thing that’s ever happened because right now, in this moment, life is perfect. It’s perfect. Harry is perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the calm comes the storm.

“Whoever said love is beautiful is wrong,” Louis spits out when he walks behind the bar.

“Um, nice break, Lou?” Liam says, looking quickly to Zayn for help. Unfortunately for him, Zayn is currently serving a group of women on their Hen Do.

“I fucking hate him.”

“Zayn?” Liam frowns.

“No, you twat. _Harry_.”

“What’s happened?”

“He’s high as a fucking kite. Then again, why am I surprised? It’s nothing new. Is it? Huh, Liam?”

“Um, no?”

“I don’t know what his fucking problem is. I mean, is our life so boring that he has to get high to have a good time? Is modeling and travelling the world not enough? Am _I_ not enough?”

“He’s just… not well, Louis.”

“I know that, Li!” Louis yells, wincing when Zayn and the Hen Do girls turn to look at him. “The question is why he started in the fucking first place.”

“Have you asked him that?”

“You think I can get a straight answer out of him about this shit? He’s the fucking master of talking around questions until you forget what the question was in the bloody first place.”

“Louis, he’s always been easily influenced,” Zayn says once the girls have staggered away. “He’ll take whatever is offered to him unless you’re there to stop him.”

“That’s not true. He’s not that dumb,” Louis says, rolling his eyes because of _course_ he’s fucking defending the twat. What is wrong with him?

“It’s the lifestyle. You have to be a pretty strong character to go the places he goes and be with the people he’s with, and then not get involved in all the shit that goes with it,” Zayn says.

“Yeah, but I always thought he _was_ strong enough. He’s… Harry.”

“I don’t know what to say, mate,” Zayn says, shrugging.

“What about rehab?” Liam asks.

Louis sighs heavily. “He won’t go. Says he doesn’t need to because he can stop whenever he wants.”

“But-“

“He’s just a shitbag. That’s what he is.” Louis huffs.

“Louis, you’ve got to do something sooner or later,” Zayn says. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but maybe… Well, maybe you could do with some time apart. He’s always been so reliant on you. Maybe what he needs is to spend some time alone to realise how bad things really are if you’re not there to take care of him.”

“No-“

“Look, it could be good for you too. You’ve been with him since you were twenty years old. I’m not saying you should end things, but a break might do you good. He’s hurting you, man. I know you don’t see it, but I think it’s getting to you. You’re fucking exhausted all the time, you don’t come out with us anymore, you’re always worrying, and you look fucking ill some days. I just- I don’t like seeing you like this and I think spending some time away from Harry might help.”

“No, spending time away from Harry is the _problem_.”

“That’s because you’re so fucking dependent on him! You both are. You have been since you met him. It’s not healthy, Louis.”

“Fuck you,” Louis says.

“Louis, come on. He’s only trying to help,” Liam says.

“No, he’s being an arsehole.”

“All I’m trying to say is that Harry is ill and whatever you two are doing right now isn’t helping. I don’t want this blowing up in your faces. You know I love you both. I’m just trying to _help.”_

“Really?” Louis scoffs.

“Yes. I’m only suggesting a break.”

“Have you not watched _Friends_? Do you not remember how well Rachel and Ross’ ‘break’ worked out?”

“They got together in the end.” Zayn shrugs.

“Yeah and I bet they lived happily ever after,” Louis snaps.

“You don’t know that they didn’t.”

“No, but I sure as hell don’t know that they did either.”

“Louis, just… think about it. Okay? Please?”

Louis rubs his hands over his face in irritation, but he nods. God forgive him, he nods.

 

“Harry?” Louis calls out when he gets home.

It’s dark inside the flat, but he thinks he hears someone laughing – more than just someone. He swallows thickly, dropping his keys and wallet in the dish on the table, and follows the noise.

“What the fuck?” he breathes out.

“Lou!” Harry yells excitedly, a massive grin on his face. He’s in the bathtub in a gold bikini, a naked girl on either side of him, and eating a slice of watermelon.

“Get out,” he says calmly to the girls.

“What? Lou?” Harry says. The look of confusion on his face gets Louis’ blood boiling.

“Get out!”

The girls quickly scamper off then, pulling on their clothes and leaving the flat after grabbing two half-empty bottles of champagne from Harry and Louis’ chest of drawers.

“Come get in the bath, babe. The water is nice and warm.”

“There’s no water, Harry. It’s fucking empty.”

“What?” Harry scrunches his nose up and puts his arms in the bath, giggling when they fall limp on the bottom of the tub. “Oh yeah. ‘s empty”

Louis’ not sure whether he wants to laugh or cry. “Get out, Harry.”

“I can’t. The floor is lava.”

“Get out.”

“Lou, I can’t.” Harry giggles, falling sideways.

“Get out of the fucking bath, Harry!” Louis yells with his fists clenched. He’s just so, so done.

Harry’s wide eyes quickly fill with tears and then he’s sobbing and Louis feels bloody awful. “I’m sorry, Lou. I’ll get out. I will. I promise.”

Louis watches as he tries to get up, watches him fail miserably every time. It makes him so mad, but more than that, he just feels sad. He feels sad because he’s failed. Harry isn’t getting any better. Over the past few weeks, things have been so good, but right now it’s clear that it was only the calm before the storm. It will always come back to this. No matter how good things seem, no matter how long for, Louis will always fail. He will never be enough. The drugs will always win.

“Come on, baby,” Louis says, sniffling as he tries to help Harry stand up. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Sex?” Harry slurs.

Louis bites his lip hard to stop a sob from escaping. “Not tonight.”

“The mornin’?”

“We’ll see.”

“I’ll be a good boy, I promise,” Harry says with a dopey look on his face.

“I know, sweetheart.”

 

If Louis cries himself to sleep every night for the next two weeks, then no one but him will ever know.

 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Harry looks up from where he’s been miserably eating his cornflakes across the table. “What?”

“This.”

“Breakfast?”

“Harry, I swear to god-“

“What? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Don’t raise your voice at me. Just because you’re on a come down and feel like shit, doesn’t mean you get to treat me like shit too.”

“Sorry,” Harry mutters, staring down at the table with teary eyes. “What can’t you do?”

“This. Us.”

Harry’s head snaps up, his eyes wide. “Us? You- you want… Are you breaking up with me?”

Fuck, Harry’s crying already. Louis is so not prepared for this. “No.”

“Then what?” Harry asks desperately. “Please, Lou. I know I’ve been a mess recently, but I- I’ll get help or I’ll stop or something. I don’t know. What do you want me to do? What can I do? _Please_ , Lou.”

Louis blinks away his tears, wiping them quickly from his cheeks. “I’m not saying we should end things, but I think a break might do us good.”

“What?” Harry says, his voice cracking.

Louis stares down at the cup of tea in his shaking hands. “I want us to take a break.”

“But- but _Lou_ -”

“What?”

“It’s… us.”

“I know,” Louis says, looking up to smile sadly at Harry, “but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle it.”

“Me, you mean. You can’t handle me.” Harry looks and sounds so heartbroken and Louis can literally feel his own heart tearing in two.

Things were never supposed to be like this. Louis knows that. It all feels so wrong, but what else can he do? Zayn was right. Louis hates it. He _hates_ it. He knows it’s what they need though. Harry comes first and what they’re doing right now isn’t helping him get better. He’s going to die if something doesn’t change. Louis refuses to let that happen, so _this_ has to happen instead. Shit, is it supposed to hurt this much? He’s in agony.

“You’re sick, b- Harry.”

“You were supposed to say ‘baby’,” Harry murmurs, tears spilling over.

Louis shakes his head quickly, staring at the wall behind Harry’s head. “I can’t. Not- not anymore.”

“Lou,” Harry whimpers. “Please don’t do this. I’ll get help. I promise.”

“That’s why I’m doing this. You need someone to help you and apparently I can’t be the one to give you that.”

“Yes you can!”

“Harry, I’ve been trying for _years._ I can’t be the one to do it. You won’t let me.”

“Please, please, please,” Harry sobs. “Don’t leave me. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Louis says quietly, his body beginning to shake with his own cries. “That’s why I’m doing this.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I know.”

Harry screams then, his head falling to his chest as he pulls on his hair. Louis gets up immediately and pulls Harry’s hands away so he doesn’t hurt himself. Harry turns in his chair and wraps his arms around Louis’ waist, pressing his damp face into Louis’ stomach.

“Please, Lou,” he whimpers. “ _Please.”_

“I’m sorry,” Louis chokes out, “so sorry, Harry.”

 

Harry leaves, in the end. He says he has people he can stay with until they’ve worked things out, until Louis is ready for them to get back together. Louis wishes he could say when that will be.

He misses Harry so much that he spends most of his time curled up in bed crying. He leaves for work, but that’s it. He feels like a shell of a person. Every time he sees a couple in the street or in the bar, he has to stop himself from being physically sick because he just- he’s in so much _pain._ Everything feels so wrong. It’s all just wrong, wrong, wrong. But it’s the only thing to do. It’s the best thing for Harry. That’s always what’s mattered most to Louis. So, Louis lets it destroy him, lets it eat at him until there’s nothing left – for Harry. Always for Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T PANIC! I have the next chapter already written and it'll be posted later today. They're not going to be on a break forever because that's exactly what it is – just a break. This story has a happy ending, I promise.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Louis can't have Harry right now, he can at least have the sofa, a romcom, and his boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a little Love Actually spoiler in this chapter – just to warn you.

Louis has officially become one with the sofa. He’s sat on it in a duvet cocoon with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s’ Phish Food – he doesn’t even care that he hasn’t showered in three days and he’s got his greasy hair held back by one of Harry’s stupid headbands. He keeps touching it and tearing up, which is just fucking ridiculous, but such is Louis’ life. Welp.

There’s a loud knocking on the door and Louis groans, turning up the volume of the film he’s watching – _Love Actually_ because it’s Harry’s favourite and apparently he’s some sort of masochist. His phone starts ringing next and it just won’t stop, ringing again and again until he’s tempted to throw it across the room. He picks it up with a sigh when he sees it’s Niall calling because he really can’t ignore him, no matter how much he wants to.

“Hello,” he says – wow does he sound like shit.

“Good afternoon, Lewis.”

Louis frowns at Niall’s all-business tone. “What do you want?”

“I’m standing outside your flat with a bag full of Chinese takeaway, so you might want to let me in.”

Louis is silent for a moment, considering hanging up, but then, “Do you have the big spring rolls?”

“Yeah.”

“From Riceland?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, wait there.”

He gets up, shuffling into the hall still wrapped in his duvet. When he opens the door Niall looks him up and down, a look of concern on his face.

“Wow, this is worse than I thought. I think I need back up.”

Louis scowls and shuffles away with as much dignity as he can manage. “I’m fine.”

“No you’re fecking not,” Niall says, watching as Louis collapses back into the dent he’s made in the corner of the sofa. He passes Louis the spring roll when Louis puts his hands out, not even looking at Niall as he presses play.

“ _Love Actually._ Really?”

“Shut up.”

Niall sits down silently on the opposite side of the sofa, doing something on his phone with one hand and feeding himself his chow mein with the other. When the door bell rings Louis just rolls his eyes.  
“You can fucking get that you traitorous arsehole.”

“You’re a dick,” Niall says, pulling a face when Louis gives him the middle finger.

“Louis, really?” Zayn says when he walks into the room a moment later, a concerned Liam in toe.

“What?”

“You look like shit. Is this what you’ve been all day?”

Louis shrugs, his eyes filling with tears.

“Shit,” he hears Zayn mutter before he suddenly has a lap full of Niall.

“It’s gonna be okay, Lou bear,” Niall says, and no.

“Don’t call me that,” Louis chokes out.

“Oh shit, sorry.”

“Please don’t tell me that’s _Love Actually,”_ Zayn says disapprovingly.

“Shut the fuck up,” Louis grumbles. “Either sit with me and be supportive, loyal mates, or fuck off.”

Zayn, Liam and Niall all look at each other and then get comfortable on the sofa, taking a container of takeaway each.

“Thanks,” Louis whispers after a moment.

“Don’t mention it,” Zayn says, wrapping an arm around Louis’ shoulders.

Louis is not depressed – he’s not – except he totally is. It becomes clear in the way the guys keep looking over to him, suggesting that maybe after the movie they tidy the flat a bit, that he take a shower, that they go out for some fresh air. Louis appreciates the sentiment, he really does, but they’re interrupting Harry’s favourite film and that’s something he cannot stand. It’s okay when Harry talks through movies, but not when it’s anyone else. That’s the case for most things in his life. The things that annoy him don’t apply when it comes to Harry because he loves him too fucking much.

“Oh, Lou,” Liam says when Louis bursts out crying at the part where Jamie asks Aurélia to marry him. He can’t help but think – what if he never gets to do that with Harry now? He can’t help but think – what if they don’t get back together and Harry finds someone new and Louis will die alone? He can’t help but think – shit, has he made the biggest mistake of his life?

“I hate you all so much,” he cries.

“Lou-“

“Don’t fucking call me that!”

“What can we do?” Zayn asks.

“You can leave. You’re the one that told me to end it in the first place and now look at me.”

“Mate, it’s only been a few days. It’s okay to hurt. It’s only a break though. You’re going to get back together,” Zayn says.

“Yeah,” Niall says, squeezing Louis’ knee, “you’ll be back together in no time.”

“I just wish I knew how he was,” Louis says, sighing. “You should have seen him when he left. He was so sad. I’ve never seen him like that. I mean, what if he starts doing even more drugs or drinks himself to death? What if I’m just pushing him further into the hole?”

“Louis, that’s his problem, not yours,” Liam says.

“Of fucking course it’s my problem you arsehole,” Louis snaps. “He’s mine. His problems are my problems. If he dies, I die too. How don’t you get that?”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Zayn says. “You’re not Romeo and Juliet.”

“I’m being serious. If he goes, I’m going too.”

Zayn, Liam and Niall all stare at him in shock, before all looking at each other worriedly.

“Now tell me that this was all a good idea,” Louis says, laughing humorlessly.

“You don’t need to worry about that, mate,” Niall says gently. “I’m looking out for him. Okay? I’ve been to see him this morning.”

“What? How is he? Is he upset? Is he eating?”

Niall looks down at his clasped hands, biting on his lip.

“Niall,” Zayn warns.

“No, I want the truth. Fucking tell me the truth, Niall, or I swear to god…”

“He’s not doing too good. He wasn’t high if that’s what you’re worried about. He said he wasn’t going to take a single hit if that’s what it took for you to take him back. I don’t think he’s sleeping though.”

“Oh fuck,” Louis breathes out, tears filling his eyes again. “He’s shit on no sleep. He gets ill so quickly.”

“But he’ll get some time off work then, right?” Zayn says. “That should help.”

Louis shakes his head, scrubbing at his cheeks. “They’ll just put more make up on him and give him shit for not looking after his skin or making their jobs harder or some crap.”

Niall pulls him into a hug, squeezing him tightly until Louis has to shove him away. “He’s gonna be fine. I promise.”

“You’ve got to pull yourself together though, man,” Zayn says. “You can’t keep going like this. You’ll be no good to him like this.”

“I’m no good anyway.”

“That’s not true,” Liam says.

“Then why couldn’t I make him better?” he cries.

“It’s an addiction,” Niall says, smiling sadly. “It doesn’t work like that. It’s got to come from him and all you can do is help him through the rough patches, hold his hand and feed him soup and all that fluffy stuff. If he doesn’t want it, he’s never going to get better. Recovery is like an inner thing. The problem is in his head and you can’t fix that.”

Louis nods his head. “I know. It’s so hard though.”

“We know, mate,” Zayn says softly. “We’ll help him together. Yeah?”

“You can take some time for yourself to get your head on straight and we’ll watch out for him in the mean time,” Niall says.

“I miss him.”

“It’s okay to hurt,” Liam says. “I think you’re doing the right thing though.”

Louis lets out a heavy sigh and says, “I’m gonna take a shower.”

Zayn, Liam and Niall all give him a proud smile and Niall says, “We’ll start tidying up.”

Louis is lucky he has such supportive friends, especially friends that aren’t afraid to kick his arse when necessary. He just hopes Harry is okay and that he’s with the right people. He’ll never be able to live with himself if he’s pushed him onto people that only care about his status and what he can bring them. He trusts Niall, Liam and Zayn though – they’ll keep him safe the best they can. Louis just hopes it’s enough.

 

He’s drunk and it’s the best he’s felt in what feels like forever, even with everything that’s going on. He’s at a house party at one of his coworkers’ place and he’s dancing with some guy he’d met on the way out of the loo. He has no plans of taking it anywhere, but it’s nice to feel wanted, nice to have someone to talk to that doesn’t know anything about his problems. It’s like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

“What’s your name again?” Louis asks, turning his head to look over his shoulder.

“Jamie.” His voice is too high, but Louis tries to push that thought far into the recesses of his mind.

“That’s funny. I met a Jamie a little while ago. He wasn’t as fit as you are though.”

Jamie holds him tighter and Louis turns back around, his eyes suddenly locking with… Harry’s. He looks heartbroken and angry and fuck Louis can’t breathe. He shoves Jamie away from him and walks away quickly, running up the stairs, desperately trying to ignore Harry’s shouts of his name following behind him. He goes into one of the bedrooms, shutting the door as fast as he can, but apparently not quickly enough because Harry manages to get his foot in the doorway and then slip inside. He leans back to close the door behind him and stares at Louis in the darkness.

“What are you doing here?” Harry asks. His voice has always been so deep and smooth and it sounds more wonderful now to Louis than ever.

“Olly works with me, not you,” Louis replies. He hates how breathless he sounds.

Harry nods and looks down at his pigeon-toed feet in his ridiculous red Gucci boots. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve figured you’d be here, but…”

“But I never go to parties alone,” Louis finishes with a rueful smile. “I’m here with Zayn and Liam.”

“No Niall?”

“He’s gone back to Ireland for the weekend. He managed to get the Friday and Monday off, so a long weekend.”

“Oh, that’s great.”

“Yeah…”

“How are you?” Harry asks, his eyes wide and so earnest and fuck Louis can’t breathe with how much he loves him.

“Truth?”

“Always, Lou.”

“I’m fucking miserable.”

Harry’s eyes fill with tears and he looks back down, letting them fall down his cheeks as he sniffles. “I miss you.”

“Me too,” Louis says, his voice catching in his throat.

“Can I hug you?” Harry asks.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Just for a moment. Please.”

Louis breathes out heavily and then steps forward, grunting when Harry practically collides with him. Louis starts crying immediately, burying his face into Harry’s shoulder to breathe him in, to fill his head with the smell of him, instinctively turning to press a kiss to Harry’s neck. He can feel Harry trembling in his arms and he rubs his back, shushing him quietly. It doesn’t matter what’s going on with them; Harry will always be his baby and he’s always going to take care of him.

“Can’t we go back to the way we were?” Harry cries.

“No, love. I don’t think we can.”

“So, this is it?”

“No,” Louis says, leaning back enough that he can take Harry’s face in his hands, thumbing over his wet cheeks. “I swear it’s not. I love you too much to ever let you go – you know that. Right?”

Harry nods, smiling sadly. “I love you so much, Lou.”

“I know, baby. I love you too.”

“I- I know you probably won’t believe me, but I haven’t used.”

“Yeah, Niall told me. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Harry says, smiling shyly.

“You can call me, you know. If you need me, I’ll be there. Day or night – it doesn’t matter, not ever.”

“Can I kiss you?” Harry says, his eyes flicking down to Louis’ lips.

“No, love,” Louis says. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Harry pouts.

“Because if I kiss you, I won’t be able to stop.”

“So what? Maybe I don’t want you to stop.”

“Harry, you know we can’t.” Louis sighs.

“Okay,” Harry says, biting his lip. “I’m, uh- I think I’m gonna go now.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. I think I’ll head out soon too.”

Harry leans down and nuzzles his face into Louis’ neck, breathing him in deeply before moving back, kissing Louis on the cheek, and then leaving without looking back.

“Shit,” Louis mutters, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the brimming tears. _“Shit.”_

“You did what?” Louis’ mum shrieks.

“Mum, not right now. Please don’t yell at me right now,” Louis says, whimpering.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Explain though please because it’s one in the morning and I’m not making sense of any of this.”

“H has been getting worse with the drugs and the alcohol – I know you know about it even if you never say anything. It’s gotten bad. It’s gotten so bad and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. Zayn said maybe a break would help. I told him to fuck off, but then Harry was out of his mind again and I just couldn’t take it. You know? I- I don’t want to be on a break. I miss him like crazy. I just don’t know what to do. I want to make him better, but I _can’t._ I just feel like I’m failing him.”

“Oh, love. I wish I was there so I could give you a big hug.”

“Me too,” Louis says, laughing wetly.

“You’re not failing him. You’ve given that boy everything you can. This is his problem, love. You can be there for him, but you can’t fix him. I’m not sure a break is necessarily the answer, not if it’s making him as upset as it’s clearly making you. Strong emotions are difficult to deal with and if you’ve got an addiction… well, you tend to do whatever you can to numb them. If he can’t cope he’s going to use again, Louis.”

“I saw him tonight though and he said he hasn’t, not since he left.”

“And how long has that been?”

“A week,” Louis says quietly. He realises straight away just how naïve he’s being.

“That’s not long, love,” his mum says. “I’m not saying that he’s going to get high tomorrow or the day after or even the week after, but he is going to get high again and if you’re not there and he’s upset… I don’t know. I don’t know what to suggest, honey.”

“So what? We get back together and nothing changes? I worry myself to death over him and spend all my time looking after him? I can’t live like that any more, mum. I just- I _can’t.”_

“And that’s okay. I know you love him and you always will, but you’ve got to look after yourself first. You can’t help him if you’re not in your right mind.”

“I can’t leave him. I won’t.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. All I’m trying to tell you is that just because you love him, doesn’t mean you always have to choose him over yourself. You’re important too. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Louis says, sighing. “I’ve been looking after him since he was eighteen. It’s so hard to not have him here and know that he’s not coming back anytime soon.”

“Just because you’re on a break, doesn’t mean you can’t still see each other. Go for coffee or a walk in the park, maybe take him shopping if you feel up to it – you’ve just got to set clear boundaries. You’re going to be no good wondering how he is all the time and he won’t be either.”

“That’s… actually a good idea.”

“I do have them every now and then.” Louis’ mum laughs. “Remember he’s a man too though, Louis. Okay? I know you want to look after him, but he’s a big boy and he can take care of himself. Stop blaming yourself for everything he does wrong. He’s an adult and he’s responsible for his actions. This isn’t on you – not at all.”

“Okay.”

“Now, get in bed and get some sleep. You sound tired. You’ll get sick if you don’t.”

“I don’t like having an empty bed. It’s too cold.”

“I know, I always hate it when Dan is away. Get your hot water bottle out and warm yourself up with that.”

“It’s not the same.”

“No, but it’s going to have to do. You’ve got this, Louis. You can get through it.”

“I always do,” Louis says, smiling slightly.

“Yes, because you’re my strong boy.”

Louis smiles wider. “Goodnight, mum. I’m sorry I woke you again.”

“You never have to apologise for that. Let me know how things are going and how Harry’s doing. I worry about him too.”

“I know you do.”

“He’s special, that boy. He’d give you the whole world if he could, he’s just… lost right now.”

“I guess it’s my job to bring him back home then.”

Louis’ mum laughs again. “If you need it, you’ve got people that love you both. We’ll help you through the dark.”

“Is that a quote?”

“No idea. Might have been from a song.”

Louis smiles and it’s a real one this time. “Thanks, mum.”

“I love you, sweetie. It’s all going to be all right in the end.”

Louis hangs up after saying another goodnight and flops back on the bed.

**To Harry: I hope you got back safely. If you want to, we could go for a coffee tomorrow?**

Louis waits with bated breath, but Harry’s reply comes almost instantly.

**From Harry: yes please. I’d love to**

**To Harry: our usual Starbucks at ten?**

**From Harry: that’s early for you ;)**

**To Harry: shut up you dick**

**From Harry: sorry**

Louis smiles and he can’t but think that yeah, things suck right now, but they’re going to get better. He curls up on his own side of the bed for the first time since Harry left and holds Arnold to him tightly. He’s just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps, as his mum would say. Tomorrow they’ll have coffee and for now that’s more than enough. They’re going to make it – Louis is sure of that.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis is surprised to say the least when he gets back from the bar a couple of weeks later to find the front door unlocked. He’s tentative as he walks down the hallway and into the living room, but then he stands up straight, confused. He can hear the shower running. What burglar would take a shower at the place he’s stealing from? I mean, granted it is a very nice shower, but still.

“Shit,” he mutters when he steps into the bathroom.

Harry’s eyes open and he peers at Louis, blinking rapidly to keep the water out of them. He’s fully dressed, sat on the floor of the shower with his knees pressed to his chest. His hair is plastered to the sides of his head and he looks so pale and small and frightened.

Louis kicks his shoes off and shrugs out of jacket and then gets into the shower too, crouching down in front of Harry. “What’s up, baby?”

Harry shrugs, staring down at his knees.

“Harry, you’re in the shower with your clothes on,” Louis points out. “Are you high?”

Harry scowls up at Louis. “Do I look high?”

He doesn’t, but, “Well, it’s not exactly normal to be doing this. Is it?”

Harry shrugs, wiping water out of his eyes, despite the fact the shower is still running anyway. Louis wonders whether they’re tears.

“What’s wrong then? Come on, you can tell me.”

“I’ve been staying with Nick – don’t pull that face – and he had some bloke at the house. I could hear them shagging and I just couldn’t stay there and listen to it. My first thought was to go to Kate’s to get something to take, but I knew I couldn’t do that, not if I have any chance with you again. I went to a bar instead, had a couple of cocktails. It didn’t do anything though. I just feel empty, Lou. I don’t even feel like a person anymore.”

Louis sits beside Harry and pulls him into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “You’re going to be okay, Haz.”

“How?”

Louis wishes he knew the answer. Instead he helps Harry to his feet and helps him out the shower. Together they work off the wet clothes and dry off with Harry’s favourite fluffy towels. Harry looks so hopeful when Louis hands him pajamas, but Louis just shakes his head.

“You can sleep in bed,” Louis says. “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“Whatever you want, Lou,” Harry says sadly.

“Come on, I’ll make you a cup of tea before bed.”

Harry smiles, getting changed before climbing into his side of the bed and snuggling down under the duvet, pulling Arnold into his side. He looks so sweet, so pretty, so _Louis’._ Louis has missed seeing him like this, has missed seeing him in their flat and in their bed, has missed seeing him snuggle into Arnold with a happy smile on his face.

“Here you go, love,” Louis says when he comes back in with tea a couple of minutes later.

Harry reaches out for his mug and then pats the mattress on Louis’ side. “Just while we drink. Please, Lou?”

Louis lets out a heavy breath, but gets up and beneath the duvet anyway. Harry throws Arnold onto the floor so he can sit beside Louis, leaning his head on Louis’ shoulder.

“You smell good,” Harry says.

Louis laughs. “I smell like the bar.”

“Yeah, but our bar.”

Louis doesn’t point out that technically it belongs to Louis because he’s had the bar almost as long as he’s had Harry and he supposes that yes, it is _their_ bar. Everything in their lives has become _theirs_ because they’ve been a ‘we’ for so long that it’s difficult to imagine them as ‘you’ and ‘me’ anymore. They’re _HarryandLouis –_ they always have been.

“So, what does Nick sound like when he has sex?” Louis says, grinning into his tea when Harry barks out a laugh.

“No where near as good as you and me, I can assure you.”

Louis swallows thickly and looks down, his breath catching when he sees Harry staring up at him with his beautiful big green eyes. Harry’s gaze drops to Louis’ lips and Louis _wants_ so badly it hurts, but he _can’t_. He runs a finger across Harry’s cheekbone and down his jaw, smiling oh so softly because he can’t help himself, not when his baby is with him like this for the first time in what feels like forever.

“One small kiss,” Harry says quietly. It’s not even a question.

“No,” Louis replies.

Harry nods and looks down at where he’s picking at the duvet cover. “Feels like forever since I’ve been kissed.”

“Have you… You haven’t kissed anyone else, right?”

“No!” Harry exclaims, sitting upright to give Louis a horrified look. “Have you?”

“Harry, I haven’t wanted to kiss anyone else since the moment I saw you. What do you think?”

“I don’t know anymore,” Harry says, his eyes filling with tears. “I don’t know anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought it would be you and me forever, but now you don’t want me and I don’t know what to do.”

“Love, I’ll always want you. I just want you to concentrate on helping yourself first. We can’t always be _HarryandLouis,_ no matter how much I wish we could _.”_

Harry’s bottom lip starts quivering and Louis puts his empty mug on the bedside table so he can knee his way over to Harry. He takes his face in his hands and leans down until their foreheads are pressed together. “You’re mine forever. Okay? I’m never gonna let you go.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Louis whispers, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Now go to sleep.”

Harry nods, settling down on his back. “Will you tuck me in?”

Louis laughs because that’s what he always used to ask when Louis was mad and would sleep on the sofa. “Of course, love.”

“And stay until I fall asleep?”

Louis nods. He wishes he was able to say no, but Harry looks so tired and Louis knows he’ll only be tossing and turning if he’s left alone. So he stays, lying closely by his side as he strokes Harry’s back. It hurts to be so close in this way, but so far away in others. He just wants him to stay here in their bed forever where they can pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist and that everything is okay. He closes his eyes for a moment and then, despite his intention of sleeping on the sofa, he falls asleep pressed to Harry’s back.

 

Louis didn’t realise how much he’s missed Harry until the next day when they’re running around at the park with a football. Harry is just as terrible as ever, and even though he’s pretending to be pissed off every time Louis runs past him with his t-shirt over his head yelling his victory, Louis knows that he’s not really. Louis’ weak spot might be Harry, but Louis has always been Harry’s too.

“You’re such an arsehole, Lou,” Harry says, laughing as he lies back on the grass.

Louis pulls his t-shirt back down and flops on the ground beside him. “It’s wet.”

“Oh, really? Well, blow me.”

Louis is about to say something, but bites down on his tongue quickly. It doesn’t stop a few snickers from escaping anyway.

Harry smacks his chest half-heartedly. “Get your head out of the gutter.”

“Oh come on!” Louis laughs, his cheeks hurting from how wide he’s smiling when Harry joins in.

Their laughter slowly fades out and then they’re just looking at each other, faces close together, hands somehow clasped. Fuck, Louis wants to kiss him so bad. He can’t help the way he looks down at his lips, the way he licks over his own because he wants it so bad.

“Please, Lou,” Harry whispers.

Louis meets his eyes again and shakes his head, smiling sadly.

A muscle in Harry’s jaw twitches as he looks up at the sky. “One day though. Right?”

“Yeah,” Louis says quietly, rubbing his thumb over Harry’s knuckles.

“You promise?”

“I do.”

“Say it.”

“I promise we’ll be together again.”

Harry laughs again, but it’s sad this time. Louis leans up on his elbow when he hears him sniffling and brushes his curls out of his eyes. “Hey, look at me.”

Harry does and his expression is so sad that Louis wants to give in there and then. “What?”

“We’re going to be okay,” Louis says.

“I just- I don’t understand why we need to do this.”

“Because we’re not in a good place right now – neither of us – and I think maybe we need to sort ourselves out so that we can be back to how we used to be before everything went wrong.”

“I’m trying, Lou.”

“I know you are,” Louis says, leaning down to press a kiss to Harry’s forehead. He knows he shouldn’t have, but he’d done it without thinking. It’s almost worth it for the smile it puts on Harry’s face.

“We can keep hanging out though?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t want to be without you again like that. Not ever.”

“Pathetic isn’t it?”

“What?” Harry says, looking hurt.

“Not that. I mean, that we couldn’t even make it a week apart before turning into messes.”

“We’ve gone months before.”

“Yeah, but we were still a proper couple then. We talked everyday. We were still _together.”_

“I hate that we’re not. I just wanna be yours.”

“You are mine. Haz, you’re always going to be mine.”

“Good because I never want to belong to anyone else. You’re it for me. You always have been.”

“I gave you my heart the first day we met. If you think I’m ever taking it back then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.”

“Hey,” Harry whines, despite the fact he looks absolutely elated.

“My idiot though.”

Harry grins and Louis can’t help but grin back because this is what he’s missed, this is what he’s been yearning for – time with his boy. It’s like being fed for the first time in forever, like finally being able to breathe.

“I’ve got to go in a minute,” Harry says, sighing heavily.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a flight.”

“Where are you off to this time?”

“You can’t remember?” Harry asks, frowning.

“Harry, you hadn’t exactly been making a lot of sense last time we talked about your schedule. Half the time you weren’t even forming proper sentences.”

“I’m so sorry, Lou,” he says, rolling onto his side until he can press his face into Louis’ shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Louis says, clearing his throat. “So where to?”

“Dubai.”

“Oh, fancy.”

“I’d rather stay here with you. Don’t wanna be without you again.”

“You can call me. You know I’ll always answer.”

“Everyday?”

“As much as you like, love.”

They walk back to the flat holding hands because Harry is going to be gone again in a few hours and they don't know how long it's going to be this time. Louis knows they shouldn't, but he thinks it's all right to indulge for a moment. He already feels Harry's absence and it aches. God does he love him.

Harry kisses his cheek when he leaves. Louis wishes he could say that he didn't watch him go.

 

One Instagram post – that’s all it takes. Louis knows he’s being irrational, that he has no reason to be pissed, but it doesn’t matter because he’s pissed anyway.

“Louis, you’ve got to stop look at that shit, man,” Zayn says over the noise of the bar.

He’s right. Looking at Harry’s Instagram and the pictures he’s tagged in doesn’t do him any good. They can be summed up in one word: models. They’re tall and thin and beautiful and they shouldn’t be touching Harry, they shouldn’t be leaning into him or kissing his cheek or sitting on him.

“I hate them all. I know he doesn’t like it either, but he’s too damn nice to do anything about it.” Louis huffs.

“He’ll be back soon, mate.”

“I know,” Louis says. “I miss him.”

“We know you do,” Liam says.

Louis takes a deep breath and pockets his phone. “I’m just going out for a smoke. Will you be okay here?”

“You bet,” Liam says.

Louis lets himself cry the moment he’s alone and he thinks it’s pathetic really that he’s so broken up about something so small. Everything feels so messy and the one person that can make it better isn’t here and can’t be here. Louis needs to learn how to be alone, but he doesn’t want to. He just wants Harry.

**To Harry: I love you**

He always wants Harry.


	8. Chapter 8

Louis is laughing; he’s laughing so hard that his sides hurt and there are tears streaming down his cheeks.

It’s been like this everyday for the past week. He’s been FaceTiming Harry daily since he got to Dubai and he really didn’t realise how much he’s needed him or how little he’d laughed while they were apart. He’s been walking around with a skip in his step, a smile so wide that it looks a bit manic. He doesn’t care that this sort of breaks the rules of the whole ‘break’ thing because right now it doesn’t matter. It’s making them both happy to talk to each other again, just like they used to, and Louis really can’t see anything wrong with that. Harry still hasn’t used – or so he says – and Louis can’t help but wonder whether he should just call off the break entirely. He’s getting better isn’t he? That’s what Louis wanted.

“Baby, shake it,” Louis says, clutching at his stomach as he laughs.

Harry has put his phone on the desk in his hotel room and is currently dancing to Camila Cabello’s Never Be the Same. He’s got his arms in the air as he swivels his hips, spinning around and around until he’s almost toppling over from how dizzy he is.

He looks good – really good. He’s lightly tanned and his eyes are bright and his hair is shiny and bouncy. He’s wearing nothing but his small yellow swimming trunks, his torso bare for Louis to feast his eyes over, and Louis can’t help but watch the way his stomach muscles clench and unclench as he dances. Louis wishes he could say his mouth wasn’t watering at the sight, but it is. There will never be a day that Louis isn’t completely done in by Harry. He’s so fucking attracted to him. Harry is just so, so beautiful and larger than life and filled with an exuberance that is so special. Louis is filled with pride every time he remembers that he’s his. Harry is his and no one else will ever know what that feels like.

“Lou?” Harry says, suddenly still in the middle of the hotel room with his arms down, his chest moving up and down quickly as he breathes heavily.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I just- I really love you a lot.”

Harry beams, walking towards his phone until he’s got it in his hand, his face too close to the camera. “I love you times a million.”

“Good,” Louis whispers, looking down at his lap shyly.

“Lou?”

“Mm?”

“Can you look at me a minute?”

Louis looks up, his breath catching at the way Harry’s bright green eyes are staring back at him. Fuck.

“Thank you,” Harry murmurs, “for… you know, this.”

“This?”

“Yeah, FaceTiming me and making me smile. It feels like forever since I’ve really smiled.”

“Baby,” Louis whispers, reaching a hand out to press his fingers to the computer screen. Honestly, he’s ridiculous and a complete sap. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no,” Harry says, shaking his head. “You were right. I think… I think we needed this. I think I needed some time apart to realise what it was I was doing to you. I’m so sorry, baby. I- I want to get better. I’m trying. I really am.”

“I know you are, love. You’re doing so well and I’m so, so proud of you.”

Harry bites his lip shyly. “Will you kiss me when I get home? Like, will you come to the airport and kiss me like you used to?”

“When are you back?” Louis asks breathlessly.

“I’m going to Paris after this, but back in London in two weeks I think.”

“Okay,” Louis says. “Yeah, if you’re good.”

“I’ll be the bestest,” Harry says, laughing.

“Good. I just- Harry I can’t stand the thought of anything happening to you. You’re my baby. I want you to be healthy and happy like you used to be. I want you to get better, not just because of me, but because you want it too. Do you get that? Do you get why I’m doing this?”

Harry nods, his eyes glassy. “I do.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Never. I’m never mad at you.”

“Oh, I think we both know that’s not true,” Louis says, chuckling.

Harry rolls his eyes. “Fine, I am sometimes. But you get mad too!”

“Sometimes.”

“Took some good photos today, Lou,” Harry says, changing the subject. “I think I look good in them.”

“Oh you do, huh?”

“Yeah. I’m wearing a hat.”

“Does it go over your face to cover your ugly mug?”

“Hey,” Harry whines, despite the fact there’s a massive grin on his face.

“I bet you look beautiful,” Louis says honestly.

“Thanks, Lou.”

“Always,” Louis says. “Now go to bed. It’s late and you’ve got an early morning, right?”

“Yeah,” Harry says, yawning as if on cue. “Will you stay on the phone? Just until I’m asleep.”

“Of course.” Louis knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t resist that pretty face. He’s weak, so sue him.

It takes almost no time at all for Harry to fall into a deep sleep and Louis wishes he could say he hangs up straight away, but he doesn’t; he just sits and watches his baby sleep for a while because he looks so young and peaceful that it makes Louis’ heart squeeze in the best way. Eventually though he has to get up and get ready for work. He does so with a smile on his face and a warmth in his belly. Everything almost feels all right again.

 

“So, do you believe him?” Niall asks at the bar later that night. His tie is undone, hanging loosely around his neck, and he looks exhausted from a long day of working on what he called “an impossible case.” Being a lawyer sounds more stressful than it’s worth and you have to wear a suit. Louis is certainly glad he runs a bar, despite the hours.

“Believe what?” Louis says as he wipes down the bar. It’s a quiet one tonight, which he’s thankful for because he gets to relax and talk to his mates.

“That he’s not using.”

“Harry?”

Niall rolls his eyes. “Who else do we know that’s hooked up to a-“

“He’s not ‘hooked up’ to anything. He’s ill,” Louis snaps.

“Sorry, man,” Niall says, looking genuinely apologetic. “Poor choice of words.”

Zayn grumbles something behind Louis, but Louis can’t be bothered to care. He’s been in a weird mood all night.

“So do you? Do you believe he’s not using?”

“Yeah,” Louis says, shrugging. “If he says he’s not, then I don’t see why he’d lie.”

“Seriously?” Zayn says, laughing humorlessly. “You think a drug addict wouldn’t lie about taking drugs?”

“Stop calling him that. He’s still Harry,” Louis says, clenching his fists. “You can call him by his actual fucking name.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that you shouldn’t trust him so much. Yeah, he really does seem to be doing better, but don’t trust blindly. I know you love him, but you’re so desperate for him to be better so you can get back together that you won’t even face the fact he could be lying,” Zayn says.

“That’s not true. Stop trying to get me to hate him.”

“That’s not what he’s doing, mate,” Niall says. “He’s just telling you to be careful. These things don’t just get better overnight.”

Louis huffs, flicking his fringe out of his eyes. “I’m just trying to be positive. He needs that. He needs me to cheer him on, not constantly badger him. He needs me to be supportive and I can’t do that if I’m doubting him all the time.”

Niall nods. “You’re right. Just… be careful, yeah?”

“Always am,” Louis says, smiling tightly.

“So what’s our boy been up to anyway?” Niall asks.

Louis brightens immediately. “He’s in Dubai doing some photo shoots. It’s part of an ad campaign for… I can’t remember, but it’s something big. He looks so much better: tanned and healthy and soft. I think he’s sleeping better. We FaceTimed earlier actually. He’s having an early night.”

Niall smiles at Louis warmly. “Sounds brilliant, mate. I’m glad he’s doing better. I hate to see him sick.”

“I just want him to be happy, you know?”

“We all do,” Niall says, reaching across the bar to squeeze Louis’ arm. “We’re all here if you need us.”

 

The boys are at Louis’ the next day for beer, pizza and video games when his phone rings. He goes from excited to concerned when he realises what time it is in Dubai.

“Harry?” he answers.

“Lou bear,” Harry giggles. “It’s you!”

“Yeah, you called me, love,” Louis says, getting up from the sofa and walking into the kitchen for a bit of privacy. If something has happened, he doesn’t want the boys overhearing.

“I’m drunky,” he says. “Winey. I had a little winey.”

“Where are you, baby?”

“In my hotel room.”

“By yourself?”

“Of course. You’re not here,” Harry says.

Louis smiles at the pout he can hear in his boyfriend’s voice. “Poor baby, all alone in paradise.”

“Not paradise without you.”

Louis blushes. “Have you had fun?”

“Yeah,” Harry says with a giggle. “I pushed Marcel into the pool because he kept touching my hair. Only you get to touch my hair.”

Louis laughs, biting down on the back of his hand to help him contain his crazy grin. “Good boy.”

Harry sighs. “I like being your good boy. I don’t like being a bad boy. I’m sorry I’ve been being a bad boy.”

“That’s okay, baby,” Louis says with a small smile.

“I’m tired, Lou.”

“Lie down then, love. Get comfy in bed and go to sleep.”

“Talk in mornin’?” he asks. “Please?”

“Yeah, we can do that.”

“You’ll answer?”

“I promise.”

“Good. Miss you, Lou bear.”

“Miss you too, baby.”

“Nighty night.”

“Sweet dreams.”

Louis hangs up with a silly smile on his face and walks back into the living room, ignoring his friends as he sits down on the sofa and grabs his Xbox controller again.

“Everything all right?” Liam asks tentatively.

“Yeah, it’s perfect.”

“He was okay?” Zayn asks.

“Not high. A little drunk, but he was okay.”

“You sure, Louis?” Niall asks. “He really shouldn’t be drinking either.”

Louis frowns down at his lap and shrugs. “I know, but he sounded happy.”

Niall wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him into his side. “That’s great, mate. I’m glad.”

“He’s going to be okay,” Louis says, nodding firmly. “He’s perfect.”

Niall ruffles his hair. “Of course he is. Our little beauty queen.”

“I can’t wait until he gets home. I want him to move back in. I think… I think that’d be okay. Right?”

“Maybe just take it a day at a time, yeah?” Zayn says with a small smile.

Louis nods. That’s what they’ve got to do. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry might be lost, but Louis won't be losing him

“Zayn, what the fuck? Do you have any idea what time it is? I swear to-“

“Louis, mate. It’s Harry.”

Louis immediately feels like he’s going to throw up. He tries to speak, but his words get clogged in his throat and he makes some unintelligible sound of distress instead.

“He’s okay. He’s alive,” Zayn says calmly. “Take a deep breath, mate.”

“What’s happened? How do you even know-”

“He called me about an hour ago. I just got off the phone with his assistant.”

“What? Why? What _happened?”_

“Louis, I know you’re upset but you’ve got to breathe. Okay? Take some deep breaths and I’ll tell you everything. I’m outside your flat. Do you wanna let me in?”

Louis nods, tripping over the duvet as he clambers off the bed. He runs to the front door, hanging up the moment he sees Zayn standing in the hall. It’s four in the morning and he’s tired, so he can’t be blamed for the way he instantly bursts into tears. It’s just- he’s been waiting for something like this to happen, to get a phone call from someone telling him that something terrible has happened. He doesn’t feel ready for whatever is coming. He doesn’t even know what’s happened yet, but he knows he can’t cope with it. He’s so relieved when Zayn helps him into the living room and sits down with him, pulls him into his arms and strokes his hair. It’s the wrong pair of arms, but it’s still comforting.

“What’s happened to him?” Louis says. His voice sounds as broken as his heart feels.

“He was upset. He was just- he was completely out of it, Louis. He was out of his fucking mind. He wouldn’t shut up about how much he’d fucked up and how sorry he was. He kept saying he wanted you but you’d be mad and he had to talk to me instead. He was making me swear I wouldn’t tell you he was high, over and over and over. He was so fucking out of, Louis. I tried to get him to pass the phone over to someone else, but he said he was alone on some street somewhere.”

“Oh god,” Louis says, his chest heaving as he struggles for breath.

Zayn holds him tighter, shaking him a little. “Come on, mate. Breathe for me, yeah?”

Louis screws his eyes closed and nods, fisting his hands in the back of Zayn’s leather jacket. “Did someone hurt him?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, he was so out of it that it was difficult to get anything out of him. You know what he gets like.”

Louis really wishes that he didn’t. “Where is he now? Please tell me you know where he is so I can stop imagining him dead in a gutter somewhere. Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_ ”

Zayn holds him tightly as Louis starts sobbing, stays silent whilst he lets Louis break apart in his arms. He doesn’t even make shushing noises, which Louis is so thankful for because that’s what Harry does and he really can’t deal with that right now. His _baby._ His Harry. Fuck.

“Tell me what happened,” Louis demands when his tears have run dry. He’s so exhausted.

“I managed to get ahold of his assistant and luckily she has some tracking app so she can find him?”

Louis nods, sniffling. “Yeah. It’s called ‘Find Friends’. I set it up for her a couple of years ago, just in case.”

Zayn hums. “Well, she went out and managed to find him. She’s taken him to the hospital.”

“Did she say how he is? Is he dying? Did he overdose? What the fuck happened, Zayn?” Louis yells, pulling from Zayn’s arms so he can pace around the living room. He doesn’t even realise he’s literally pulling his hair out until Zayn forces him to stop.

“Louis,” Zayn says, holding Louis’ face in his hands. “Calm down, mate. He’s alive. He’s going to be okay.”

“But how do you know that?” Louis shouts. “He- he- he can’t… He’s not fucking okay!”

“No, but he’s alive. You haven’t lost him. He’s safe now.”

Louis starts crying again, almost hysterically this time. He sinks to the floor and wraps his arms tightly around himself, screaming silently. He barely feels it when Zayn puts a hand on his back.

“Louis, calm down. You’ve got to calm down.”

“He- he- he’s _mine._ I can’t- He can’t just-“

“I know, mate. I know.”

Louis falls sideways into Zayn and lets him hold his weight. “He’s my baby, Zayn. I can’t- can’t be without him.”

“You don’t have to. He’s in the hospital. All we’ve got to do is get you a plane ticket.”

“But that’ll take too long.”

“It’s an hour-long flight to Paris. You’ll be there before he even wakes up.”

“He’s not awake?”

“No, he passed out. They’ve hooked him to some monitors and put him on a drip. Helena – I think that’s the name of his assistant – said he’s overdosed, but he’s okay. Physically there’s nothing wrong.”

“Oh fuck him,” Louis says.

“What?”

“No, seriously. _Fuck_ him. I thought he was dead. I thought I’d _lost_ him, but the bastard is physically _fine._ What about me? Am I physically fine? Because I feel like he’s just given me a fucking heart attack. I hate him. I _hate_ him.”

“No you don’t, mate,” Zayn says, smiling at Louis sadly. “You love him.”

Louis tries to keep himself together, but he can’t. He nods, wiping the snot from his nose as tears fall silently this time. “I know,” he whimpers.

“Go back to bed. I’ll book the flight.”

“Will you come with me?” Louis asks, his bottom lip quivering. “I just- I don’t think I can see him like that alone. I’ve never- never in a hospital before, you know?”

Zayn brushes his hair off his forehead and nods. “Of course, mate. Of course I will.”

 

Waiting in Heathrow Airport is a small torture. Louis is curled up on the seat, leaning against Zayn’s side, biting his nails down so far that they’re probably going to start bleeding in a minute. Zayn is quiet, occasionally stroking Louis’ hair to settle him down when he starts fidgeting because Louis is basically like a small child right now. He’s been handing him tissues every time Louis starts crying again and reading out small passages from the book he’s currently reading. Nothing seems to make Louis any better though. He doesn’t think he’ll feel okay until he sees Harry again, until he sees with his own eyes that his baby is all right. This whole thing doesn’t even feel _real_ to Louis. It’s like it’s something that’s happening to somebody else and Louis is just watching it all. It hurts every time he remembers that it’s not and that it’s really Harry that’s in a hospital and it’s really him that’s going to have to deal with whatever comes next. There’s one thing that’s for sure and that’s that things are about to change. Life can’t go on the way it has been – not after this. The harsh reality is that if things do carry on, then Harry will die. Louis is fucking terrified.

 

“Hi, Lou.”

Louis wishes he could say that he went in shouting and screaming at Harry, or that he started crying, or that he was calm and collected and went to sit by his bedside. What really happens is that he stands in the doorway, his heart beating too hard as he stares at his boyfriend – pale-faced with dark shadows beneath his dull eyes, his greasy hair up in a high bun, weak smile on his chapped lips – and then he walks away and sits back down next to Zayn in the waiting area.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Zayn asks.

“I can’t do it.” Louis shakes his head.

“Can’t do what?”

“Any of this. I can’t do it.”

“Louis, stop being an arsehole and go inside to see your boyfriend.”

“I’m the arsehole?” Louis hisses at him. “He’s the one that’s a fucking drug addict. He’s the one that overdosed. He’s the one that’s probably taken ten years off my fucking life.”

Zayn lets out a heavy breath. “Yeah, but he’s also young and probably scared shitless right now. He needs you, Louis. You can’t leave him right now. Okay? Just keep it together for him today.”

Louis scrubs at his eyes and stamps his feet on the floor a few times with frustration. Then, with some unknown strength, he pulls himself together. “It’s Harry.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.” Zayn laughs humourlessly. “Fuck is right.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Me too.”

“Sorry I dragged you to Paris in the middle of the night.”

Zayn sighs heavily. “Well, it’s an adventure I guess. Although nightmare is probably more fitting.”

Louis hums in agreement and then gets to his feet. “Wish me luck.”

He thinks he hears Zayn do just that, but he’s busy focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. When he gets to Harry’s room, he takes a deep breath and then opens the door. His heart breaks when he sees Harry look up. His baby looks so ill, so exhausted, so fucking sad.

“Lou,” Harry cries, reaching out like a small child. “Please don’t leave me.”

Louis swallows past the lump in his throat and practically runs to the bed. He sits on the end of it and pulls a shaking Harry into his arms. “Oh, baby,” he murmurs, breathing him in deeply, desperately almost. Fuck, he thought he’d lost him, but he’s alive and breathing and he’s in Louis’ arms again.

“I’m so sorry,” Harry sobs. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I know, baby,” Louis says, rubbing his back and kissing his temple. “I know you are.”

“I didn’t mean it. I just- I was just having fun. I don’t remember- I don’t remember anything, Lou.”

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” Harry cries. “I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m gonna die.”

“Hey,” Louis says, pulling Harry back by his hair until their foreheads are pressed together and he can look him in the eye, “you’re not going to die. I’m not going to let that happen.”

Harry’s face crumples and he’s such an ugly crier, but to Louis he’s never looked more beautiful because he’s _alive._ “I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“It’s okay. I’m gonna help you. All right? We’re gonna get you better again, baby. I’m gonna look after you.”

Harry nods, crying so hard he’s trembling. He opens his mouth several times to answer, but all that escapes are shivering breaths.

“Lie back, baby,” Louis says, trying to pry Harry from him.

“No, no, no,” Harry sobs. “Don’t leave me. Please, Lou. Please, _please_.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Haz. We’re just going to lie down for a bit and get some rest. I’m right here. Just lie back.”

“You’ll stay?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna bring you back home with me later, but you’ve got to lie down and get some rest.”

“Okay,” Harry says quietly, bottom lip wobbling.

Louis helps Harry lie back comfortably, shifting the pillow under his head, and then climbs up beside him. Harry cuddles into him immediately, his tears soaking into Louis’ hoodie. Louis honestly couldn’t care less. He has Harry alive in his arms and that’s all that matters. He pulls the blankets up over them, making sure Harry is properly tucked in, and closes his eyes – he’s asleep within seconds.

 

“We’re going to get you admitted into rehab,” Louis says, gently stroking Harry’s hair.

Harry nods, but Louis can feel the wetness soaking into his t-shirt from where Harry’s face is pressed into his chest. Louis shushes him, rubbing his other hand up and down Harry’s heaving back. It feels like they haven’t stopped touching since the hospital, Harry desperately clinging to him during the whole journey back home.

Now they’re curled up together in bed, Arnold on Harry’s other side to make him feel surrounded by softness and warmth, to make him feel safe and protected. Harry has been crying since they got into the car at Heathrow Airport, exhausted after fighting through paparazzi and fans to get out. Louis had hated them all in that moment; the last thing Harry had needed was a bunch of cameras shoved in his face or screaming girls trying to grab at him. He’d held Louis’ hand in a death grip, but Louis couldn’t do much more than stroke his thumb over his knuckles. Neither of them cared about the pictures of the two of them that would end up in the press. That’s the least of their worries.

Everything feels a little better now that they’re home. It’s quiet, calm, comforting. Harry, although he’s still crying, has settled down.

“And I, uh- I’ve been thinking,” Louis says.

“’bout wha-?” Harry mumbles.

“Us on a break.”

“Please, don’t,” Harry says, his breathing speeding up rapidly.

“Hey, shush,” Louis coos. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You- not breaking up?”

“No, baby. I was going to say that maybe we should get back together. I don’t… this break hasn’t been a good idea and I’m sorry. I thought it’d help, but I think it’s just made things worse for you. I’m so sorry, baby,” Louis says, hugging Harry tightly to him.

“’s not your fault.”

“Maybe if we hadn’t-“

“No,” Harry says, pushing himself up to frown down at Louis. His face is red and puffy, but he’s still so beautiful – always beautiful to Louis. “This was going to happen anyway. I- I need help. I’m not okay.”

“Oh, love,” Louis says, his own eyes filling with tears when Harry starts to sob.

Harry buries his face in the crook between Louis’ neck and shoulder, the tears pooling on Louis’ skin, fisting Louis’ t-shirt in his hands and twisting at it as he cries.

“I want you back here with me. Okay? I’ll get one of the boys to get your stuff from Nick’s and you’ll stay here with me at home. We’re going to get you better, baby,” Louis says.

“Do I have to go to rehab?”

“I think it’s best.”

“Can’t we just do it together? Talk to Dr. Matthews and do it ourselves?”

Louis thinks on it, stroking Harry’s hair absentmindedly. “I suppose we could. Maybe you could go back home to your mum’s for a while. I can’t take any time off at the bar just yet and I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“I could come with you,” Harry says.

“To a bar? Do you really think that’s the best idea?”

Harry snuggles into Louis, relaxing against him now. “Probably not.”

“Let’s not worry about it now, darling,” Louis says. “Just sleep. We’ll talk about it when you feel like it. Okay? Get some rest.”

Harry nods, sighing happily when Louis presses a kiss to his forehead.

They’ll talk about it later because right now, all that Louis wants to do is to hold his boy in his arms, to smell his hair and his warm skin, to fall asleep with him, and to wake up beside him tomorrow for a new, brighter day.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody said recovery was easy

“Please, Lou,” Harry whines, twisting in the sheets. “It hurts.”

Louis can’t help but tear up as he slides into bed and pulls a sweaty Harry against his chest. “I know it does, baby. You’re doing so well.”

Withdrawal, as it turns out, is even worse than it seems written down on paper. It sounded bad enough when Dr. Matthews had given Louis the pamphlet: restlessness, anxiety, insomnia, headaches, sweating, racing heart, nausea, muscle tension, and tightness of the chest. The reality of it is worse because it’s _Harry_ and he’s struggling so much and there’s nothing Louis can do to help but hold him and keep him hydrated. Louis thought that Harry had been clean during their ‘break’, but it turns out he’d still been popping pills, just not _cocaine._ He wasn’t high per se, but he was just never coming down properly. Seeing Harry now, he can understand why.

“Make it stop, Lou. Please,” Harry whimpers, a full body tremor racking through him.

“I can’t, baby. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’ll be over soon,” Louis says, rocking Harry side to side. “Jesus, you’re soaked-through. We need to change your t-shirt.”

“Don’t wanna move. It hurts.”

“I know, but I’ll be quick.”

Harry is shaking when Louis pushes him upright, groaning when Louis lifts his arms up to pull the damp top off him. Harry slumps back against Louis immediately after, tears running down his cheeks.

“I’m just gonna go get-“

“Don’t want a new one.”

“Harry, I don’t want you getting cold.”

“Then hold me instead. Please, Lou. I feel like I’m on fire, I don’t want another one.”

Louis bites his lip and then sighs, giving in. “Okay, but if you start getting cold then you’re putting one on. No argument.”

Harry nods, making a small noise of discomfort when Louis lies them down properly. Harry immediately snuggles into Louis’ side, burying his face in Louis’ soft hoodie. “I didn’t know it’d be this bad.”

“Me either,” Louis says. “But you’re strong. You’re going to get through this.”

“I can’t get comfortable,” Harry complains, wiggling around. “I’m never gonna sleep.”

Louis holds Harry tightly to him with one arm around his waist and hitches one of his thighs over Louis’ waist with the other. Harry immediately slumps into it. “There you are, stay still. That’s it, baby.”

“Lou,” Harry whines, shifting. “Stop it. It hurts.”

“Relax, love,” Louis says, massaging the muscles beneath his hands.

“I _can’t._ I wanna stop. I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

Louis hooks a finger beneath Harry’s chin and tilts his face up, smiling sadly at his red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. “You can do this.”

Harry shakes his head, whimpering.

“Harry, baby, you don’t want to die. Do you?”

Harry shakes his head again, a sob breaking free. “Wanna be with you.”

“I’m not going to make you do this. It’s your life and your decision. You’ve got to want this for yourself.”

“I do,” Harry sniffles. “I wanna grow old with you.”

Louis smiles, his eyes filling with tears. “Yeah?”

Harry nods, puckering his lips. It’s been weeks, but Louis just wants to soothe the hurt in any way he can. He presses their dry lips together softly, nuzzling against Harry until they’re both smiling.

“Better?” Louis whispers against Harry’s cheek.

“Yeah.” Harry sighs. “Just don’t leave me.”

“Never.”

 

“How’s he doing?” Niall asks over the phone.

Louis is smoking out on the balcony, arms resting on the railing as he stares down at the busy street below. “Okay.”

“Louis, really. How is he?”

Louis brings a hand up to cover his eyes as he crumples, crying silently. “It’s fucking awful, Niall. So fucking awful.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

Louis sniffles, wiping his hand beneath his nose as he blinks his tears away. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t think he’ll want anyone seeing him this way. He deserves some dignity at least.”

“What’s it like? I mean, is he really bad?”

“Yeah, pretty bad. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed the sheets because they’re covered in sweat or vomit. Thank fuck it hasn’t been anything worse.”

“Mate, I’m sorry.”

“He just- he’s shaking all the time and his heart won’t slow the fuck down and he’s in _pain,_ Niall. There’s nothing I can do to make it stop, no medicine I can give him, and it’s killing me,” Louis says, rubbing his eyes.

“Let me come over. I won’t go in to see Harry, I swear. Just let me bring you some food and supplies. I’ll tidy up a bit. I wanna help out.”

“O-okay. I guess that’d be nice.”

“Have you been eating?”

“When Harry’s up to it, yeah.”

“Sleeping?”

Louis laughs humorlessly. “When Harry can.”

“Showering?”

“Had a couple of baths to clean Harry up.”

Niall sighs. “Louis, you’ve got to take care of yourself too.”

“He comes first. He’s sick; I can’t just leave him.”

“I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is that it’s okay to let me take over for a little while so you can recharge.”

“But Harry-“

“Is my friend,” Niall finishes. “He’s my friend and I don’t mind looking after him for as long as you need.”

“Thanks, Niall,” Louis whispers. “I’m so tired.”

“I know, mate. You’re doing well.”

“He’ll probably wake up in a minute, so I better go,” Louis says, sighing.

“Okay, mate. Let me know when you want me over.”

“I will,” Louis says. “I just- I can’t wait for this to be over and we can be _HarryandLouis_ again.”

“It’ll happen.”

“I know. Give it time. Just gotta give it time.”

 

Louis looks after Harry day and night, leaving Zayn and Liam to run the bar by themselves. He’s fucking exhausted. So, so damn tired. He’ll do it forever if he has to though. He’ll do anything for Harry.

 

“How’s he doing?” Harry’s mum asks quietly when Louis lets her inside the flat several days later. “No sugarcoating please.”

Louis’ eyes fill with tears again because of course they do. Anne feels like his mum too and Louis is just so tired and he _needs_ someone. He needs someone to help him, to tell him he’s doing well and to take over just for a minute. The responsibility of it all is killing him. He doesn’t want to screw this up. He _can’t_ screw this up. It’s _Harry_.

“Oh, honey,” Anne says, her own eyes watery as she steps forward and takes Louis into her arms. She rubs his back, whispers soothingly in his ear while he breaks down like a little boy.

“I’m sorry,” Louis mumbles, embarrassed, after a few minutes. “I didn’t mean to cry all over you.”

“You look exhausted,” Anne says in concern, holding Louis at arm’s length.

“He hasn’t been sleeping much.” Louis shrugs.

“You should have called me sooner.”

“He- he didn’t want to see anyone,” Louis says quietly.

“I’m his mum; he gets to see me whether he likes it or not.”

Louis smiles. “Okay.”

“Now, you go shower and I’ll kick his arse into gear,” Anne says, squeezing his arm comfortingly.

“Just be careful please,” Louis says. He knows he doesn’t need to say it because Anne is Harry’s mum and she adores him, but after seeing Harry suffering the past week or so he feels almost unreasonably protective of him. He could have lost him; so sue him if he doesn’t want to risk the chance again.

“Of course, honey,” Anne says. “I, um… I actually have a proposal for you.”

“Yeah?” Louis says warily.

“I know Harry’s recovery is going to be slow going and I know how busy you are at the bar, so I was thinking maybe I should bring him home with me for a while. I don’t mean permanently – just until he’s back on his feet. I spoke to his agent earlier and they’ve agreed to let him take some time off, so it just makes sense to let him come home and rest. Obviously I don’t want to bring him home if separating the two of you is going to make you both upset, but I think it might do him good to be somewhere familiar and separate from his… lifestyle.”

Louis swallows thickly, his hands fisting at his sides as he struggles not to yell, “ _He’s mine! He belongs here with me!”_ What he says instead is, “That’s fine with me, as long as it’s something that he wants.”

“I won’t drag him against his will, I promise. I know he’s in safe hands with you. I also know that you’re tired and you have a bar to run and you can’t do this all alone.”

“The boys have been helping out,” Louis says defensively.

“I know they have, honey, but they have their own lives and jobs too.”

Louis sighs heavily and looks down, his shoulders slumping. He feels defeated. “Okay.”

“Louis, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re tired and that’s _normal._ No one can do this stuff alone. I know how stubborn my son can be. I know he’s hard to deal with sometimes.”

“He’s perfect,” Louis says quietly. “Perfect.”

“I’m so happy he has you,” Anne says, pulling Louis into another hug. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to him.”

 

Harry leaves with Anne the next morning. He cries, hangs on to Louis for dear life, even though it was him that agreed to go.

“It’s okay, baby,” Louis says. “You’ll be home in no time. Things will be better, I promise.”

“I don’t wanna go,” Harry says, whimpering.

“I know, darling. I know.”

Harry hugs Louis so tightly that he can barely breathe, but Louis doesn’t ask for him to loosen his hold, too sure that he’ll fall apart without Harry’s arms to hold him.

“I love you so much,” Louis whispers into Harry’s ear, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“I love you too.”

“Come on, sweetheart,” Anne says. “Time to go.”

Harry makes a distressed little noise and moves back just far enough that he can press his mouth to Louis’, kissing him hard and fast and desperate. Louis clings to his shoulders, digs his nails into the muscle.

“Bye, baby,” Louis says.

“I don’t wanna go,” Harry says, sounding frantic. “Please.”

Louis bites down on the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood, squeezing his eyes closed as he pushes a struggling Harry away. “You’ll be back soon.”

“Come on, Harry. Let’s go home,” Anne says.

“I _am_ home.” Harry huffs.

Louis opens his eyes to see Harry red-faced. He’s getting angry, Louis realizes. He doesn’t blame him. Harry is ill and he’s tired and now he’s being forced to go back to stay with his parents. He consented, yes, but it doesn’t mean he wants to go.

“Baby, you can come back whenever you want. All you’ve got to do is call me,” Louis says.

“Tomorrow?”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Be reasonable, Harry.”

“I don’t wanna go.”

“Please. For me?” Louis says quietly. “I love you so much and I want to be the one to look after you, but I’ve got to go back to work today and you’ll be all alone and I know you don’t want that. I can’t take care of you the way you need me to and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m fucking up again.”

“Hey, no,” Harry says, frowning, as he steps forward to hug Louis again. “You’re not fucking up. I just wish I could stay with you.”

“Me too.”

“I love you, Lou.”

“I love you too.”

Harry goes easily after that and if they’re both crying when the door closes, then Anne chooses to stay silent. Louis doesn't stop crying for hours.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/JustLikeTomo)


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